Thursday, January 10, 2013

My Squishy Mc Squish'ems 5 months
Yes we are teething,, and the first one broke thru
My Rainbow Bright baby :)  I <3 feet="feet" grabbing="grabbing" him="him" i="i" nbsp="nbsp" p="p" stage="stage" the="the">

Another year.. 

its after 1am, and once again I am struggling to get through the day  getting things done. Although I do need to give myself a break I suppose.  Raising 3 boys, all at stages in their life were they need ALLOT of attention and guidence.  Running a business trying to make ends meet only to fall short every week, not getting more then 2-3 hours of sleep at a time. the crying, whining, messes, bills, are neverending.. but thats the world right, thats everyones life. I am thankful at the end of the day that all my boys are safe, healthy and sleeping peacefully while I attempt to squeeze in every single second of quiet time, editing time, mommy tv time, and relaxing I can get before I cant keep my eyes open another second. 

New years..  Its like a clean slate .. right?..  It looks like the high school year book really..  "This is going to be an Awesome year!!"  Best year ever!!!  ...  we hold expectations high only to be hit with the truth that every year, every day has its successes and failures. Everyday has its ups and downs..

So What do I expect out of this year.
I made a list of doable goals.  One was to stop being such a dreamer..  but if thats who I truely am.. is that such a bad thing to be?. and I suppose at the end of the day. i am only hurting myelf with my silly expectations right?

Another one is to SLOW DOWN, stop taking on a "full plate" of things, or for gosh sake get a freaking Smaller plate!, but yet.. Here I go again. 
As I was throwing in the 2nd load of laundry that was covered in Turtles Diarhea today. I paused, and said..  "Yep I did it again, This is more then I can handle again".   sessions to edit, make perfect for these amazing people who trust me with their memories and images that they will have for a lifetime! Its allot of pressure,  a messy house that my family is getting used to but drives me UP The wall!.. but yet, I let it go.

How do we as moms do it all?..  Im so excited and Thankful when people book sessions, then the day comes around and I am so tired I can barely make it out the door,  but then the pictures 95% always turn out great! and the people are wonderful and I really enjoy myself, get home edit the night away... but those nights,  we either have fast food, which cuts a chunk out of my pay, or the family eats whatever snacks they can find around the house.  The baby cries and cries for attention, the older boys are loud running around being insane and hubby feels left out.   When a session cancels I feel instant relief!.. but then when I go to the store and realize I only have $50 for groceries, diapers and formula..  I feel so bad, like I failed to support my family because a session cancelled.  
Its a tough give and take.

One of my big goals this year, is to keep up on my blog.. for many reasons, but mostly myself.  Take time for myself, what I want to do (that doesnt involve TV)  :)  clear my head. I wish there was an app for that.. that I could hook up to my head so it could blog away at night,.. when I toss and turn for an hour, knowing the baby will wake up any moment. Thoughts run through my mind, things I should do,things I want to do,  things I forgot to do, things I wont do again. 
My fortune cookie tonight said " Unveil your ideas, and be ready to act on them.." Yep, even the fortune cookie knows that I have ALLOT of ideas,  but every little follow thru. Damn Cookie,

The cold is here. its chilling laying in bed, the wall where our bed is at is the coldest spot in the house in the winter, The icy chill coming thru the wall reminds me im missing out once again on the important things,  It begs me to stay bundled up in bed and not face the world for as long as I can, but yet at the same time reminds me in a few months the Heat will return full force and make everything harder, everything..

Why am I not energized?. taking advantage of every moment of this season?. is it lack of sleep? lack of motivation.. is there a pill for that?
Each year when I think things will get better, they actually feel like they get harder.. or maybe its just new trials, new stressful situations..

Hell, last year at this time I was sporting an awesome Pee bag attached to me for 5 months and had kidney failure and sepsis.. I nearly died twice.. so after all that,, I guess I just figured it would be natural to have an abundance of energy and ambition for all the great things to come.  Where is it?..  Who stole it from me?. 

Despite my view of my all to limited successes and overwhelming amount of failures.. I have kept the children alive and well. 
Riley has the energy of 10 preschool children on pixie sticks,  He is extremely smart and made the principals honor roll this quarter, which I think is higher then the Deans list he was on last quarter. However, he has very little ambition, motivation and cant remember anything we tell hi to do..  Hmmm.. so he is his fathers son  :)  lol   He is in that akward kid stage, loosing teeth and trying to figure out his place in the world, but yet he is still so handsome! & loving and kind.  when he isnt torturing Turtley. But thats what brothers do.  :) 

Turtle (brady) is growing up so fast, I hate it,  he is into the terrible 2's  dosent listen, and whats to do everything by himself, but never to busy to snuggle with me.   He is always always talking about Bad Guys "I Hate Bad Guys!"  he says all the time, he is a mini-super hero in every sense of the word, Sometimes he acts so grown up I forget that he is still only 2 years old..  He is by far the smartest 2 year old I have ever met, and a true mammas boys.   :)  He is so funny and he knows it.

Squish, (Colby) is 5 1/2 months,  I dont know where months 3, 4, and  5 went  :(   It breaks my heart to think he is my last baby. I am trying to soak in every moment, every smile, every kick every sweet bit of baby I can get.   he is a TOUGH baby though,  he wants and needs to be held.. When he is happy, he is Happy!!. when he isnt.. watch out!  This kiddo will scream for hours until he gets just what he wants. lol   He spits up all the time, on everything, all over.. I smell horrible, the house smells horrible.  and yet after he projectile vomits all over me, the blanket the chair and the floor.  he looks up at me and just smiles.. He has a beautiful smile , it melts my heart each and every time.

Eventhough I can spend a whole day at home.. at the end of the day. I think "wow!" I feel like I didnt get to spend any quality time with my kids, its a weird feeling, and one I hope to get rid of.  To be "Here" but Not "Here" 

I suppose if I had it my way, I wouldnt have to worry about money, I would take pictures for the love of it, I would be able to spend time with my family, see my sister and her sons, take trips, do arts and crafts, make delicous dinners, actually make it to the weekly play groups. Exercise daily,  Have weekly date nights, girls nights out, and spend time with each of my babies one on one more often..  But the days go by so fast..  and I fear I miss out on half of it..  Why cant the world be perfect. why cant I have that life?...
 I never thought  I was a person to thrive on drama... I dont think I am, but I do think I make my life more Chaotic then need be.   I read somewhere that if you grow up in a house full of Chaos that you actually crave it when you grow up.  Maybe thats it.   as television psych teaches us. Its all our parents fault.  :) 
How do I break that cycle for my kids?
I need a personal trainer... in life.. someone to come up, delcutter my life, organize me and let me go .. I wonder if they have those.  Maybe my children would get baths more then once a week. Maybe I could get the 100 things on my daily to do list done..

Business Goals: 

Oh there are soo many!..  I think 1/2 of me craves to get bigger, and better and achieve success and awards, raise my prices to...well.. make at least $10 an hour would be cool.  :)    to have a fully booked schedule and to be more professional and business like..
 The other 1/2 of me realizes this just isnt who I am.  and wants to keep it small so I can do and be whatever I want to be without expectations. To keep myself from getting hurt when my friends or aquantances book other people instead of me to take their pictures.. I dont know why it makes me sad, its not logical to feel this way.  Its not that they dont like my pictures ( I hope)  or cant afford me, But I know they have other friends and family who also does it and that everyone has a different style and its great to have a variety of pictures each year for their family,  So I need to get a bit of a tougher skin.. and not feel the need to be better then anyone else.. I hate that about me..  Im working on that. I am just so thankful that some people hire me :)    Thank goodness!

I need to be better at getting back to people and find a better way to sort and get my emails and things.  I suck at follow up and follow thru!  working on that.  I think the 1 session that didnt go perfect this last year will haunt me forever, and surely made me change a few things.

2am..  my eyes are getting heavy.  have to get up to take riley to school at 730, baby will be up within 45 mins.  then again at 5.   why cant I let him cry it out!?.. oh yeah, because he will wake everyone in the house up.. grr..  

So.. I have come to a conclution while blogging:

1. Less Chaos in daily life.. (not sure how to do that though when its not always up to me...  )
2. Go to bed earlier.. haha..  I start to ramble after midnight
3.  wash my jammies, I smell like throw up from the baby.. ewe.
4. remember to buy cat food,  before my cat attempts to eat me.. 
5. Remember to send back netflix movie so I can finish season 2 of Downton Abbey this week..  Yep a pointless goal.  but everything we do cant have significant useful purposes right?.

"Why do I rush to slow down everything"  Trapt..   Thank you ipod for playing a song perfect for this post.

Oh I should add a picture.. 

geeze that took nearly 20 mins to add those 3 pictures at the top, Dumb Blogger!  ok now to make a quick bottle and carry it to bed,
Goodnight world  :) 

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