Thursday, May 17, 2012

Can i leave yet?

I feel like I'm going to throw up.  Sitting alone in a crowed surgery waiting room. . Half alone at least colby is here with me.  Tears falling from my cheeks onto my oversized blue patterened gown.  Wishing I could leave. Why am I so scared?  I've done this before.  Just a tube change out.    But I'm scared.   I'm so tired of all of this.  The process. The pain the hospitals the surgeries. The medicines..  so tired. I can only imagine what my mother had to go threw.  Glad I brought tissues.  Glad they smell like the scentsy lime sublime scent I left them next to in the car.     Hoping and praying this week goes fast. Praying...  this week goes perfect.. just praying..   missing my crazy boys.. my anxiety driven husband. They are my strength.  They are.. my heart they each offer something different.. something special that adds true joy to my life.  Can't wait to get home lay in my bed and have my children bug me every few mins about juice. Or snacks..  :)    drives me crazy. But its my normal.. its my happy.  Just a few more mins now.. till I get another iv..   my arms are tired.. my back is sore and bruised.  I miss being me.  Hopeful. Cheery. Lighthearted..  me..   everyone has to endure something in their life. I thought for sure.. I had endured. Enough for one person.  Maybe after this..  everything will be better.. 

Continued..  2 and a half days later...
The night before my big surgery. I suppose for most people this wouldn't be called a big surgery.. but for me... its scary. Its not just me going in there.. laying on a cold table waiting for some dr to do whatever it is he does.. its colby.  My sweet baby who is also at risk.  This little boy is so strong..  going thru everything we have been thru since new years eve. Going over a week without eating a thing! Taking percocet for days. Barely any prenatals several infections of the bladder kidney. Sepsis in and out of hospitals for months.. this child of mine is strong..  tomorrow I finally get to have the surgery to try and break up my 10mm kidney stone. Hopefully I can take this tube out of my back. This drainage bag off my body and be able to live normally.. as I can anyway being nearly 8 months pregnant..  I'm scared.. the risks .. the worst case scenerio.. which I never want to happen and I am praying with all my heart won't be the case is.. colby could go into destress and they will have to deliever him early.. really early. 27 and a half weeks..  he would have to be in the nicu for a month.  That would break my heart.
I would feel 100% responsible and like a horrible mother..   the reason I made this choice is because...  either I have the surgery now.. or.. if I wait. It would have to be a few weeks after baby is born. When I'm recovering my my csection. With a new baby a 2 year old and riley back in school. Then I would have to have surgery then pass the stones and finish recovering from the csection.  Plus. Everyday gets harder. Everyday gets a bit worse..  I get further along. Colby gets bigger I have more pain, harder to move.. harder to sleep or lay down with this tube and bag.   So in 12 hours.. I will go in.. ask my questions. And if I feel ok about it..  I will go ahead.. I'm praying.. that everything goes perfect.. its been a horribly tough year for my family.  We have over 3k in bills on the counter..  I don't know how we are going to catch up. But we will. We always survive.  We are a team.. me and this family of mine.  We fight, we yell, we argue..  but @ the end of the day..  we are unbreakable..     my children are my sole reason for getting out of bed these days.   They deserve a mom who is present in their lives. A mom who takes the time to do the mom things.. makes their favorite breakfast, snuggles them all day and makes them laugh and listens to their crazy banter.. I am that mom and just because I'm sick.. doesn't mean I will ever give up on being that mom.  I am hoping tomorrow will bring me back.. a little closer to being able to be myself.    Tomorrow I will cry. It will be painful, stressful, embarassing and I'm sure I will argue with my husband @ least once.. because that's what we do when things get stressful. But in the end.   I will be ok.  I am my mothers daughter. 
I'm so thankful for so many amazing people in my life. I've gotten support from so many people I didn't know cared so much and I will never forget their generosity and kindness. I hope one day I can repay the joy they have brought me.  My husband who looks past this pee drainage bag everyday and only sees the love of his life.  My boys. Who love me so completely and bring more joy to my life everyday then they will ever know. 

I look around my dark bedroom.  Everyone is sleeping, I see a crazy messy house.. everywhere I look. It crazy how many things I've had to let go because I'm just not able to do them. One day everything will get done. Floors will be vaccuumed, clothes folded, toys put away. But not today..   that's the little stuff.. that doesn't really matter in life.  Ill never remember if I finished that laundry, cleaned that bathroom.. but I will remember turtle laying next to me with his stinky blanket. Sucking his tiny little thumb.. saying. "Tickle back mommy". I can't believe how much he is like me.. everyday I see more of me in him. His laugh, his smile, his personality so outgoing and bold. His natural kindness with an undertone of trouble, turtle is my soul mate. .  Riley, is my first true love.  You never know unconditional true love until you have a child.  This boy who fights with me about everything everyday is someone I can't live without.  He is stubborn and sensitive, he cares so much about everything he nearly burts if things don't go right.  He has allot of michael in him and I am thankful for that. He teaches me everyday, about myself and what kind of person I want to be.. he challenges me.  I love my children with my whole heart and more.     So I'm going to try and sleep now..  focus on the good..  pray about the other stuff.    I love that I can blog from my phone..  :)  keeps me off pintrest.  :)   more positive uplifting blogging to come soon..  :)   wooohooo