Sunday, August 5, 2012

Colby Max & a little about life this last year

My Son,
Isnt he Beutiful
Perfect in every way
My little Miracle Baby

Dec 31st..2011 I woke up around 1am with horrible pains in my stomach,  I was terrified, that I would lose you...  How crazy that I was actually relieved to find out I had kidney stones.
I didnt eat for over a week, I took percocet and water, nearly NO prenatal vitamins, 
12 days total in 3 different hospitals, 3 different ER visits. dozens of Dr's appt's 5 total surgeries or procedures 5 months of having a hole in my back, with a tube attached to a pee bag I had to carry around. Picc line to give myself IV injections for 2 weeks. Throwing up dozens of times a day for months, having an at home health nurse to come to the house to take care of me and my wounds, my iv's and medicines.  at one point I thought the bruises on my arms would never go away. Every procedure I was so terrified! Praying you would be ok, and we would make it through as a team..   You my sweet pea are a survivor. You were meant to be my son, against all odds you are Perfect in every way!
I had you at 37 weesks,  I was scared to have you early, because of all the craziness we went thru.. but I couldnt move anymore. I couldnt walk I couldnt bend or take care of Riley and Brady..  But I knew in my heart, that you were strong and ready for me to hold you in my arms.

When I heard you cry for the first time,

it made everything worth it.
Every Needle poke,
Every painful step
Every moment of sickness..

Worth it..

I am so blessed to have you in my life, and we love you more then you will ever know.

 there are more baby newborn pictures on my website  well tomorrow  :)m
and my blog and my facebook page  :)     if anyone actually reads this and wants to see, lol :)  

He is growing up so fast,  Im still amazed by his coversational skills, he is funny and crazy and surely a 2 year old!  Into mischief right and left.

Trying on my tutu for photos :)  I think he looks pretty darn cute!  Colby looked super cute in it too! :)  Afterall I did win it for my baby,  who knew I would have another boy.

I am loving having a new little squish to be my model :)   I wouldnt trade any of my little Sir's for the World!

One last one... Oh those cheeks.. sorry kiddo, you got those from your mother..  Her nose & her toes and fingers too..  :)

Riley... Oh my Riley!  He starts school on Monday,
1st grade..

His teacher seems really great,  I am hoping this is the year he truely shines!  I want him to get the most out of life, to truley enjoy all the amazing things this world has to offer.  He is such a thinker, afraid to try but when pushed into something he opens up and loves it.

We fight like cats and dogs, I dont know if that will ever change, we are both so stubborn,  but I do know we love each other so much. Im scared for our relationship as he gets older, and I pray with all my heart that he doesnt hate me when he is older,  I just want him to be the best he can be.  Trying to teach him right from wrong, feelings and what he should do and not to do is allot of work and I dont even know if I am going about it right or wrong.?..
I am hoping school helps, full day, meeting new friends, socializing and having a schedule.. maybe time away from each other daily will help make us communicate better. and I know I need to take time out to spend more time with just him. He is such a big helper and this year I have relied on him so much because of all my crazy sickness.  he has handled it well, and I know he was meant to be my first child for this reason. He is so much like michael in so many ways, but then like me in my stubborn, feels like he has to be responsible and "parent" turtle.. He doent like to be told what to do ( I know who does) but we rebel..  

I watch him with Colby... He has an amazingly kind heart. he is so soft and easy and in love with colby, and eventhough he fights with turtle because they are brothers, he always makes sure turtle is ok, watches out for him and wants the best for everyone.  
Raising kids is hard!  There are no set of rules, no right or wrong..   Its just Trial and Error really..  I grew up in a BAR!  yes a bar, my mother used to take me with her to work, she didnt have the money to get a sitter, so from the time I was about 3 years old, you could find me at the end of the bar snacking on the cherries and lemons used to decorate the drinks.  Funny thing is,...  whenever I see one of those black plastic containers with the cherries, olives, lemons, limes in them.. and smell, it brings those memories back.  My mom was such a Free spirit, full of life and no one could hold her back, I was along for the ride making my own rules, being independant, free and in charge of raising myself most of the time. *& my sisters after they were born*   Maybe thats why I expect so much out of Riley.  When I was Rileys age, we lived in the Ghetto of downtown Phx. There were a few mights my mom wouldnt come home, I would be alone in the house.. I was in Kindergarden..  Those were the nights I would eat a whole bag of oreos and stay up watching TV in the living room till dawn. I got up, got myself ready, walked myself to school across 2 busy major streets.. I didnt know, when I was younger that.. my childhood wasnt normal...  Michael had the total opposite childhood,. very structured, rules, he didnt have to do much of anything for himself. (although he did have to make his bed and vacuum his room)   :)  so its odd to have to mesh our two versions of parenting styles into our children.. Give them some  responsibility, but not so much that they feel alone, or like free birds.

My Roo.. he is beautiful, so into star wars right now, which is weird.. but boys are weird lol so I can dig it!  :)  and I think he just might be a Dr when he grows up,  he helped check out my wounds to make sure they looked ok the whole time. even my csection incision, he isnt grossed out by it, gives me updates, tells me the color and if it looks ok.. eventhough its INFECTED!  so that means I will have an extended recovery :(  Im pretty bummed, but at least its an end to a very very long journey for our whole family..  The medical bills so far that we have recieved not including the actualy c-section I had last week... $168,000  :(  we pay 10% of that.LOL  yeah like that will ever happen.. For a KIDNEY STONE..  a 10mm kidney stone, a silly rock..   we have an out of pocket limit but with the copays and admit fees thats still nearly $4500.. which I feel bad but we havent even been able to pay one of those :(  I Hate not being able to provide for my family!!  Its driving me crazy.
I am so thankful for my little business. but yet I still feel intimidated by other photographers, thinking.. maybe I am not good enough to consider myself a professional photographer.   I love what I do, and I cant wait to get back to work,. I just wish it paid more, so I could help with the bills.  I never thought we would be in this position again..  having to sell things to be able to get groceries is horrible.. When mike and I were dating.. we had to do that allot. Plasma, Cd's VHS movies clothes ect.. just for a little money to eat and put gas in our cars,  I have worked so hard every since to make sure I was never in that position again, yet.. here I am.. 3 kids later, and the circle has come back around.  Its crazy how just one decision can effect your entire life in such a drastic way!.. Was the beginning quiting my job at the Police Dept?.  was it taking the Calcium Supplements to try and have a girl?.  was it not clipping my coupons and being organized? was it a combination of everything?..
I am exactly where I NEVER wanted to be in life.. a Lower middle class stay at home mother of 3 boys!  I mean when I was 18.. being where I am now was the furthest thing from my mind!  The likeliness of me being a stripper in Hollywood was higher then being a stay at home mother of 3 boys!.   This isnt where I planned on being in my life.. But maybe.. just maybe.. Its exactly where I am Suppose to be. 
Its funny how you wake up one day and find yourself in this reality that used to be beyond your comprehension.. 
Besides the baby blues. I am happy..  I have ALLOT of things to work out, and Allot of things I am not so happy with in my life right now,  But I know they will work out, they always do.
Michael has to keep reminding me, I have been through so many trials,changes and craziness this last year!. My entire life has changed in 1 year and 3 months!  Never in a million years did I expect any of it.
I have never taken my life for grated,  well.. not since my mom died. I am fully aware of how short life really is, but maybe I was focussing on it wrong.. I was rushing to get everything done.  Work hard to get what i want. have my kids and get life moving.. maybe its those other moments I was forgetting about.. the good stuff in the middle.   I have learned so many things about life, about me, about my family  this year. I am so grateful for that, and I know Michael has learned allot too..   I am just hoping we can use what we learned.. to live a more fullfilling life.  One day at a time we will see what the future has in store for us. 

I am truely amazed by the kindness of people I least expect it from.  people that I havent seen since high school cared enough to send a card and some money so I could get a few things I didnt have for Colby!  Chrissy sent me a beautiful angel to help remind me everyday that I would make it thru this tough time.
Some great ladies brought my family dinner when I wasnt able to cook after my surgery.
My godmother hired someone to come and clean my house while I was having Colbs.  so I didnt have to stress when I got home.  My aunt Debi, took time off of work to help watch my kiddos when I didnt have anyone else to help. 

my father in law, who does so much for our family, I really dont know what I would do without him, I would honestlty be lost. . Not having a mom here to help me.. or a dad that is capable of helping me..  is something I think about nearly daily..  & how thankful I am to have mikes family and good friends around when we need them the most.  I just hope that one day I can repay all these amazing people back for everything they have done to help make my life a bit easier this year. I will surely pay it foward

My stepmom Valie and Samantha and Shane come out next sat, I couldnt be more exited!!  I cant wait to hug them, feels like home, and I cant wait for them to meet our new little Colby,

Wow,  This journey is over. I survived, we all did..   now a new one begins,
some goals..
1. get healthy again!.. and make my hubby get healthy with me.  :)  Im sure he will LOVE that,  but I have spent years training him so I want to make sure he is around for awhile  :)
2. get our little family organized and back on track.. or heck.. just on a track would be cool
3. streamlining,. our bills, our lifestyle.. I dont know how we can do this, but I refuse to be this broke again ever!!  we usually live pay check to pay check, but when I cant even go buy basic groceries for my kids lunches, dinners or have to stress about if we will have enough formula for the baby till the 20th of the month is INSANE! and I dont want to do this anymore..
4. get back to work!  well my photography business..  I hope it goes well this season, I am excited to try new things, new locations and meet new people.  But yet I still feel intimidated by other photographers,   like I am not good enough to be considered one, and I feel bad being proud of my photos, because maybe they arent as good as I am thinking they are, and maybe I am just crazy!. or why do I seek recognition from certain people and fail to get it so them feel inadiquete.. lol I  know I spelled most of that wrong, and that might sound silly but its true. Although I know I have allot to learn still and want to improve in many ways.. I even shut down at a family gathering today, because there was someone else taking pictures there, so I didnt take pics of my kids or get the first family picture I so hoped to get because i was embarrassed thinking maybe they thought I was being a silly amatuer photographer a wannabee.. maybe I am.. but I guess at least I love what I do... I guess..
5.  be more patient with my kids and spend one on one time with each of them.
6. help my hubby.. be happy, find things in life he enjoys doing, andbe supportive of him in everyway.
7. do more things as a family, and have at least 3 date nights before 2013!!
8. Be Happy..  :)   destress and take time everyday to count my blessings.. then celebrate those blessing.
9. get more sleep.. lol  yeah I know.. but I am sure going to try!  A girl can dream cant she?.

10. Make my blog books!!!  I am 2 years behind, I have allot to catch up on, but I know I can do anything I put my mind to.

*when you figure out love is all that matters afterall.. it sure makes everything else seem so small*
carrie underwood.

This little boy, laying on my chest, so tiny, so beautiful, so innocent, so perfect..
My sweet Turtle snuggled in his blankie in his bed,
My Roo behind me on the couch, growing up so fast..
My husband, my polar opposite in many ways, sleeping for just 2 more hours then off to work in the AZ heat to support our little family.. a great man, kind, loving, he gave me these three little miracles..
They make this journey, all worth it...  everyday.