Wednesday, January 30, 2013

6 months and counting

Colby is 6 months..  officially Not a newborn anymore.. he has quickly moved in to the Baby stage..  I hate that this first year goes by so fast.

I think between 6-12 months has some of the most dramatic change and growth a child can have.  I dont want to miss a moment...  but somehow. at the end of everyday I feel like I have.. missed it..  
When I lay down everynight and say my prayers I have this feeling like I didnt get to spend enough time with my kids, eventhough I was here all day. 

I see these blogs and facebook postings ect,about these great moms that spend their days in these 2500 sq foot no stains on the carpets clutter free homes.. they play in their beautifully maintained back yards all morning, then have an afternoon snack together while reading books and playing games.. Then the children magically lay down for a nap and the mother has enough energy to plan out dinner, post a blog, clean the bathrooms, clip coupons ect.. how do they manage this..? Im confused.. and I strive to be THAT kind of mom, but everyday something gets in the way of achieving any of these things.

One of the worst things about me, is I am NOT a morning person.  Anything that I am required to do before 2pm is going to be half-assed..  I dont know how to change this.  I used to be able to be an 10am person.. But after Colby.. who only sleeps 2 hours at a time at night.. there is no chance of that.

I am realizing that with more children the harder it is to actually accomplish anything. Unless of course you are a god like organized person which I am not.

I make plans, and one member or more of my family seems to have a different plan.  The last two years the house has been plagued with sickness.. of all kinds.  There are rare days out of each month when the WHOLE family is well..  no headaches, fevers, sneezing, coughing, diarrhea, sprained ankles, teething, bloody noses, kidney issues ect.. Does every family with three small children have these issues?.  All the family is well now, except for me. I woke up this morning with a 102.5 fever, chills, sweats, body aches where I could barely move..  I am PRAYING I dont start the cycle over again with the babies.. Whom, its impossible to stay away from because.. I AM A MOM.. 

I love being a Mom by the way..  The way my littles look at me like I was a superhero.. I love that.. and I know it wont always be that way..  I have another year.. before Turtle will stop seeing me in this way.. before he sees me as someone to take his fun away like Riley sees me, which makes me sad..  Its so hard to be a mother, trying to instill in your children good values, good habits, & still encourage them to be their own person.
I do think I spend quality time with my kids, but I know I could do more.

Lets talk about eating "clean". what the heck is that?. 
Ive heard so many people out there talking about their families eating habits.. and I suppose Im confused. what is eating clean and how in the world do they get their family to eat that stuff.?

I came home from work the other day, and since we are SUPER BROKE I didnt pick up dinner on my way home.  yes I know  Fast food = the Devil.. moving on..   my family 100% expected me to bring home fast food,  because it had become the Norm in the fall photo season when I was so busy,  but its the new year and we vowed to start doing things differently.  Everyone was so upset! I made everyone something quick we had in the house and there were nothing but sarcastic complaints.

When I plan and make a nice dinner,.. they dont eat it.  even if its things they like.. hambrgers and baked french fries green beans.. they eat a little and most of it goes to waste as they snack on cereal for the rest of the night..
&.. cooking is expensive..  People say  "Its cheaper to eat at home"  Liars.. or.. Rich People.. because when they eat out.. They are going to fancy places where dinner for 4 is over $100.  its so much cheaper for us to eat out.. everyone can get something they like and the bill always comes to under $20.  When we have Taco night at home... the supplies for taco night come to about $25.  No one ever eats left overs, the kitchen is trashed, and I have to buy it, cook it, clean it.. so.. arent I just torturing myself when we could have grabbed taco bell or $14 bucks,?

So in todays world.. without having a personal cook and money to do those programs.. how do you loose weight?.  cook for the family, then make myself somthing different?.. which I have been doing.  since one box of hamburger helper only feeds my husband and 2 sons, which I suppose in the long run is good for me..

I need a life coach. or someone to tell me everyday.. DO THESE THINGS TODAY..  so when I get them done I can feel accomplished instead of always feeling scattered. 

The boys and I have been walking around the house the last few weeks,  randomly mumblin about taking a vacation..  I think that might be a good idea.. take us out of our routine and give us something to look forward to.

The bad things about vacations are they cost money.. lots usually, they never go as planned,  and taking 5 people with completely different personalities is tough.. Mike has a plan.. and route.. and cannot adjust this plan even a tiny bit without freaking out...  but with a wife like me.. and three kids.. everything always has to be adjusted at all times.. Riley is whiney.. emotional.. and doesnt like to be outside..  so somehow I have to fix that.. Turtle is fun!!. but he is two.. and starting to get the emotional side of terrible twos.. Wow!.. Colby is usually really really good whenever we go anywhere!  but.. as we know.. things change,  and they can change anytime..  so a vacation would be wonderful, and thinking about a break from all this "life" stuff sounds like an amazing idea.. but maybe just laying in bed.. thinking about it.. might be the way to go. 

so far. I have been working on my 2013 goals, I am proud to say I am keeping up on some of them.. This blog.. I am blogging  :) not as much as I should and it surely isnt as upbeat or as happy as I would like it to be, but.. it might be because  while writing this,.. the baby has already woken up screaming once.. and I dont get any sleep..
I have not been negecting Rileys school activities.  I went to the awards ceremony where my little man made the Principals Honor Roll!  and.. it was a morning ceromony!  arent you proud? ..    & Riley, Turtle and I went to family movie night, ate pizza got yoyo's and stayed for about 20 mins of the movie. 
Im trying.. most days I feel like I am failing, but everyday is about learning.. Im learning and trying to do better. I may never be that mom I want to be, that wife I want to be.. but I can keep striving to be the best Me.. I can be..

One thing I thought about while laying in bed.. feeling like death...

I spend all this time doing things  I HAVE TO DO..  and very little time doing things  I WANT TO DO..   I know its just a mind set.  no one wants to go to work, or clean the bathrooms.  but.. instead of saying..  I have to go to this photoshoot..  I will spin it around and say.. There are so many things I want to get done today.  and one of them is this photoshoot.  or I want to get this bathroom clean today.. Because. If I want to do it.. then maybe it wont feel like a punishment.. lol 

  I slipped on water near the frys entrance the other night.. it was raining, and I was being so careful. I hurt my ankle again..  I feel im becoming one of those women..  those women who are always complaining something is wrong, or they went to the dr for this and that..  Its like a black bad health clouds follows you around and you cant help but have this incredibly horrible luck..  like god is saying "SLOW DOWN".. he could have just sent and Email, or even a nice little post card.. so im taking his advice, and I will be slowing down in a few aspects of my life.. taking time to look around. and do things I want to do..

The other day, i went outside to play with turtle..  its been forever since I have!  we always have a good time and I take pictures and he just plays.. he is just himself.  today.. he asked "can we go outside mommy and play and take pictures?.."  I was sad that I was so sick I couldnt, but it made me think about what I have been wanting to be doing... all of these months.. and havent..   when we get the taxes back this year. I have to do something with my horrible backyard..  I need easy maintance. No rocks and something fun for the kids to do, so they dont hate going outside into our jungle where they cant even walk barefoot.

well is 140am.. off to bed I go.. since Little Squish will be up in about an hour.. grr..
Riley & Squish

Turtley playing in the backyard

Happy Un-Birthday my squishy McSquish'ems

I love this one..  my littles

Olby LOVES Riley.  lol  me too :)

Thursday, January 10, 2013

My Squishy Mc Squish'ems 5 months
Yes we are teething,, and the first one broke thru
My Rainbow Bright baby :)  I <3 feet="feet" grabbing="grabbing" him="him" i="i" nbsp="nbsp" p="p" stage="stage" the="the">

Another year.. 

its after 1am, and once again I am struggling to get through the day  getting things done. Although I do need to give myself a break I suppose.  Raising 3 boys, all at stages in their life were they need ALLOT of attention and guidence.  Running a business trying to make ends meet only to fall short every week, not getting more then 2-3 hours of sleep at a time. the crying, whining, messes, bills, are neverending.. but thats the world right, thats everyones life. I am thankful at the end of the day that all my boys are safe, healthy and sleeping peacefully while I attempt to squeeze in every single second of quiet time, editing time, mommy tv time, and relaxing I can get before I cant keep my eyes open another second. 

New years..  Its like a clean slate .. right?..  It looks like the high school year book really..  "This is going to be an Awesome year!!"  Best year ever!!!  ...  we hold expectations high only to be hit with the truth that every year, every day has its successes and failures. Everyday has its ups and downs..

So What do I expect out of this year.
I made a list of doable goals.  One was to stop being such a dreamer..  but if thats who I truely am.. is that such a bad thing to be?. and I suppose at the end of the day. i am only hurting myelf with my silly expectations right?

Another one is to SLOW DOWN, stop taking on a "full plate" of things, or for gosh sake get a freaking Smaller plate!, but yet.. Here I go again. 
As I was throwing in the 2nd load of laundry that was covered in Turtles Diarhea today. I paused, and said..  "Yep I did it again, This is more then I can handle again".   sessions to edit, make perfect for these amazing people who trust me with their memories and images that they will have for a lifetime! Its allot of pressure,  a messy house that my family is getting used to but drives me UP The wall!.. but yet, I let it go.

How do we as moms do it all?..  Im so excited and Thankful when people book sessions, then the day comes around and I am so tired I can barely make it out the door,  but then the pictures 95% always turn out great! and the people are wonderful and I really enjoy myself, get home edit the night away... but those nights,  we either have fast food, which cuts a chunk out of my pay, or the family eats whatever snacks they can find around the house.  The baby cries and cries for attention, the older boys are loud running around being insane and hubby feels left out.   When a session cancels I feel instant relief!.. but then when I go to the store and realize I only have $50 for groceries, diapers and formula..  I feel so bad, like I failed to support my family because a session cancelled.  
Its a tough give and take.

One of my big goals this year, is to keep up on my blog.. for many reasons, but mostly myself.  Take time for myself, what I want to do (that doesnt involve TV)  :)  clear my head. I wish there was an app for that.. that I could hook up to my head so it could blog away at night,.. when I toss and turn for an hour, knowing the baby will wake up any moment. Thoughts run through my mind, things I should do,things I want to do,  things I forgot to do, things I wont do again. 
My fortune cookie tonight said " Unveil your ideas, and be ready to act on them.." Yep, even the fortune cookie knows that I have ALLOT of ideas,  but every little follow thru. Damn Cookie,

The cold is here. its chilling laying in bed, the wall where our bed is at is the coldest spot in the house in the winter, The icy chill coming thru the wall reminds me im missing out once again on the important things,  It begs me to stay bundled up in bed and not face the world for as long as I can, but yet at the same time reminds me in a few months the Heat will return full force and make everything harder, everything..

Why am I not energized?. taking advantage of every moment of this season?. is it lack of sleep? lack of motivation.. is there a pill for that?
Each year when I think things will get better, they actually feel like they get harder.. or maybe its just new trials, new stressful situations..

Hell, last year at this time I was sporting an awesome Pee bag attached to me for 5 months and had kidney failure and sepsis.. I nearly died twice.. so after all that,, I guess I just figured it would be natural to have an abundance of energy and ambition for all the great things to come.  Where is it?..  Who stole it from me?. 

Despite my view of my all to limited successes and overwhelming amount of failures.. I have kept the children alive and well. 
Riley has the energy of 10 preschool children on pixie sticks,  He is extremely smart and made the principals honor roll this quarter, which I think is higher then the Deans list he was on last quarter. However, he has very little ambition, motivation and cant remember anything we tell hi to do..  Hmmm.. so he is his fathers son  :)  lol   He is in that akward kid stage, loosing teeth and trying to figure out his place in the world, but yet he is still so handsome! & loving and kind.  when he isnt torturing Turtley. But thats what brothers do.  :) 

Turtle (brady) is growing up so fast, I hate it,  he is into the terrible 2's  dosent listen, and whats to do everything by himself, but never to busy to snuggle with me.   He is always always talking about Bad Guys "I Hate Bad Guys!"  he says all the time, he is a mini-super hero in every sense of the word, Sometimes he acts so grown up I forget that he is still only 2 years old..  He is by far the smartest 2 year old I have ever met, and a true mammas boys.   :)  He is so funny and he knows it.

Squish, (Colby) is 5 1/2 months,  I dont know where months 3, 4, and  5 went  :(   It breaks my heart to think he is my last baby. I am trying to soak in every moment, every smile, every kick every sweet bit of baby I can get.   he is a TOUGH baby though,  he wants and needs to be held.. When he is happy, he is Happy!!. when he isnt.. watch out!  This kiddo will scream for hours until he gets just what he wants. lol   He spits up all the time, on everything, all over.. I smell horrible, the house smells horrible.  and yet after he projectile vomits all over me, the blanket the chair and the floor.  he looks up at me and just smiles.. He has a beautiful smile , it melts my heart each and every time.

Eventhough I can spend a whole day at home.. at the end of the day. I think "wow!" I feel like I didnt get to spend any quality time with my kids, its a weird feeling, and one I hope to get rid of.  To be "Here" but Not "Here" 

I suppose if I had it my way, I wouldnt have to worry about money, I would take pictures for the love of it, I would be able to spend time with my family, see my sister and her sons, take trips, do arts and crafts, make delicous dinners, actually make it to the weekly play groups. Exercise daily,  Have weekly date nights, girls nights out, and spend time with each of my babies one on one more often..  But the days go by so fast..  and I fear I miss out on half of it..  Why cant the world be perfect. why cant I have that life?...
 I never thought  I was a person to thrive on drama... I dont think I am, but I do think I make my life more Chaotic then need be.   I read somewhere that if you grow up in a house full of Chaos that you actually crave it when you grow up.  Maybe thats it.   as television psych teaches us. Its all our parents fault.  :) 
How do I break that cycle for my kids?
I need a personal trainer... in life.. someone to come up, delcutter my life, organize me and let me go .. I wonder if they have those.  Maybe my children would get baths more then once a week. Maybe I could get the 100 things on my daily to do list done..

Business Goals: 

Oh there are soo many!..  I think 1/2 of me craves to get bigger, and better and achieve success and awards, raise my prices to...well.. make at least $10 an hour would be cool.  :)    to have a fully booked schedule and to be more professional and business like..
 The other 1/2 of me realizes this just isnt who I am.  and wants to keep it small so I can do and be whatever I want to be without expectations. To keep myself from getting hurt when my friends or aquantances book other people instead of me to take their pictures.. I dont know why it makes me sad, its not logical to feel this way.  Its not that they dont like my pictures ( I hope)  or cant afford me, But I know they have other friends and family who also does it and that everyone has a different style and its great to have a variety of pictures each year for their family,  So I need to get a bit of a tougher skin.. and not feel the need to be better then anyone else.. I hate that about me..  Im working on that. I am just so thankful that some people hire me :)    Thank goodness!

I need to be better at getting back to people and find a better way to sort and get my emails and things.  I suck at follow up and follow thru!  working on that.  I think the 1 session that didnt go perfect this last year will haunt me forever, and surely made me change a few things.

2am..  my eyes are getting heavy.  have to get up to take riley to school at 730, baby will be up within 45 mins.  then again at 5.   why cant I let him cry it out!?.. oh yeah, because he will wake everyone in the house up.. grr..  

So.. I have come to a conclution while blogging:

1. Less Chaos in daily life.. (not sure how to do that though when its not always up to me...  )
2. Go to bed earlier.. haha..  I start to ramble after midnight
3.  wash my jammies, I smell like throw up from the baby.. ewe.
4. remember to buy cat food,  before my cat attempts to eat me.. 
5. Remember to send back netflix movie so I can finish season 2 of Downton Abbey this week..  Yep a pointless goal.  but everything we do cant have significant useful purposes right?.

"Why do I rush to slow down everything"  Trapt..   Thank you ipod for playing a song perfect for this post.

Oh I should add a picture.. 

geeze that took nearly 20 mins to add those 3 pictures at the top, Dumb Blogger!  ok now to make a quick bottle and carry it to bed,
Goodnight world  :)