Monday, April 1, 2013

These are mine..
all three of them, beautiful and unique in their own way. They make me laugh and cry, they fill my heart with joy.
Today was easter..

For the first time ever I had my boys dress up, and I have to say they all look so Handsome!

  I love that they dont mind dressing up, there werent many complaints.

 See this face, I realized tonight that I dont see it often enough.  His pure joy, his excitement for scoring a goal, playing with his cousins and having my full attention!..  This is the big one. 

It all started with my friend Sydnee...  she has taken me on as a project, and I am so so thankful for her. Most of the time in life you cant actually "see" your life since your so busy living in the middle of it.  She told me.. that when I am at home, I am never fully there.. I am always working and thinking of things I need to to, but yet dont have time to accomplish everything and therefore it drains the life out of me. 

Its taken me a month or so to truely understand what she was talking about.  its easy to agree with someone.. but to fully comprehend them, is another story.  
See this child below.. he is my mini-me. in every way.  just say'n..

as I sat in the backyard at my mother in laws house tonight. children playing all around with smiles from ear to ear.. For the first time in a long time, maybe years.. I didnt have anything else to do. except "live in the moment", to be apart of this moment right here and now..  capturing the happiness of the children in my family makes me happy.
As everyone began to decend inside and leave for the night, I found myself sitting on the grass with Colby and I begun to cry.
For this lightbulb moment has finally happened.
I am a natural worker bee, I am disorganized, ambitiously lazy, and always take on more then I can handle.  I am this way because of my parents.. of course.  They showed me at a young age (due to their iresponsibility mostly)  that it was important to take care of myself and others around me. So thats what I have always done. I quit my job, but of course we couldnt make it and I always forget that my hubby HATES to work, he does it, but he.. is not a natural worker bee.. so I focussed on picking up the slack, instead of doing what I am suppose to be doing, and living in this moment, creating these moments for my children... and doing the laundry..
I start coaching turtles soccer team next week. I am scared and nervous.. there is no beating around the bush I am fat,  As I have nearly always been, but this is a different kind, somehow after colby its different and in different places and I dont like it. My excuse to not stop "drinking soda, having fast food, lack of scheduled exercise" is that colby doesnt sleep well so therefore I dont.. (which is true) but.. honestly I am up all night long working on editing pictures from 2 weeks earlier trying to get them out to people. 
When I wake up in the morning, my house automatically exhausts me,  So much to do, its easier to stay in bed,  As soon as I wake up I immediately start stressing about what we are having for dinner, usually have little money, and little motivation It because a struggle that shouldnt be. I know my hubby doesnt care what I make and the children will eat whatever I give them if they want to stay alive. But yet, its a stresser, a life sucker, along with the clutter, lack of time management skills, random things all over the house. and stepping on legos...
I keep waiting for summer, knowing business will slow down and then I can focus on my life. My thought process is get allot done now and have a great vacation. But after today I fear this mindset is costing me to much. 
So I vow to only do one shoot a week until I get my life caught up. We are going to be BROKE!  and I mean it, we are not those people who say they are broke but have thousands of $$'s in the bank.. we are the cant get groceries or even gas to get to the store because there is only .18 cents in our account people..
My business is bringing in the money we use for groceries, cell phone bill and the little extras here and there..  but I dont think I can keep up any longer.
The guilt is eating me away.. all kinds of guilt..
That I dont finish peoples sessions faster, that I didnt edit that one pic they might or might not have liked or used. the guilt of raising the prices slightly. the guilt of "sshhing" my children all the time so I can edit, or talk on the phone. The guilt, when its dinner time, I leave to go to a shoot when I could be taking them to the park, or be organizing, making dinner, cleaning up, working out, building a fort. ect.
So much Guilt for one person..  & hubby eventhough he says he doesnt mean to.. really really piles on the guilt trips.
So I walk around with a happy ubeat disposition everyday.. feeling guilty all of the time about something.. I dont want to feel guilty anymore.
Riley said to me tonight,  "well then dont do it and do what you want to do!".. ahh.. my child if it were only that simple. 
but maybe it is and I have been trying so hard to not let people down, and trying to make people like me, the only one I am hurting are my children.. and I.
I am dying to get away for awhile.. but of course that takes money over $300 for a rental car, then gas and food ect.   
thats about 5-6 sessions, and about 80+ hours of work..  thats 80+ hours of a messy house, cranky restless children who see that I am just telling them to go play..  and If I tell people I cant schedule them this month. how many of those people will I loose forever as clients?  and potential friends.
But I have to do whats best for my family.
so I have to be willing to sacrafice something and I suppose income and security it is. 
But  these smiles are totally worth it. 
I am worth it....