Saturday, November 3, 2012

Halloweeeeeen.. & 3 months!

Yeah I know, Im behind..
We have been super busy. aka me = busy.. hubby sleeps lol 

Colby is 3 months!!  Wow that went fast.. I need more snuggling time!

I love that the holidays are here but once again I find myself taking on more then I can handle :(    But if I dont, we wont be able to have a decent christmas and get the boys winter clothes. & most of the sessions are just for groceries or past due bills.  I know the holidays arent about the money or the toys, which I am not getting them much of this year.   But they are about spending time together, and I want to make that time together special, doing fun things ect. and that usually takes money.
Im sure it will all work out in the end  :) 
Here are a few picture from our Halloween.
It was FUN! 

The cousins ran around together in costumes, I cant believe at all family functions now there are 8 little ones!   I love it, and when they get older I hope they stay close. 

Turtle was the "vintage" batman :)   he held my hand and walked around the neighborhood with me.. It make my heart happy, that when they asked him if he wanted to ride in the car with Kingston.. he said "no i have to walk with mommy"..  :)  

riley was Darth Vadar!!  oh my!  this is the first year I let him wear a mask that covered his face, and when did he start liking star wars!?.   now both the boys are crazy into star wars.   He did look super cute and he did a great job! 

lit'l squish was my baby Lamb :)  

I made it myself..  yeah  like that was hard to figure out, lol but I thought he looked cute! & snuggly

I didnt dress up this year,  :(   Next year.. I always do, but I guess I havent been feeling myself much lately.  Its been a tough year.. I've tried to stay super positive through it all..  I guess Im just tired.

We went to the pumpkin festival :)  That was so much fun too!  This is why I love the holidays, memories! :)   watching the boys grow up, learn, laugh and just enjoy new things. 

& we will end the first post in a LONG time.. 
in ..

 p.s  it was So much harder then it looks!   lol

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Colby Max & a little about life this last year

My Son,
Isnt he Beutiful
Perfect in every way
My little Miracle Baby

Dec 31st..2011 I woke up around 1am with horrible pains in my stomach,  I was terrified, that I would lose you...  How crazy that I was actually relieved to find out I had kidney stones.
I didnt eat for over a week, I took percocet and water, nearly NO prenatal vitamins, 
12 days total in 3 different hospitals, 3 different ER visits. dozens of Dr's appt's 5 total surgeries or procedures 5 months of having a hole in my back, with a tube attached to a pee bag I had to carry around. Picc line to give myself IV injections for 2 weeks. Throwing up dozens of times a day for months, having an at home health nurse to come to the house to take care of me and my wounds, my iv's and medicines.  at one point I thought the bruises on my arms would never go away. Every procedure I was so terrified! Praying you would be ok, and we would make it through as a team..   You my sweet pea are a survivor. You were meant to be my son, against all odds you are Perfect in every way!
I had you at 37 weesks,  I was scared to have you early, because of all the craziness we went thru.. but I couldnt move anymore. I couldnt walk I couldnt bend or take care of Riley and Brady..  But I knew in my heart, that you were strong and ready for me to hold you in my arms.

When I heard you cry for the first time,

it made everything worth it.
Every Needle poke,
Every painful step
Every moment of sickness..

Worth it..

I am so blessed to have you in my life, and we love you more then you will ever know.

 there are more baby newborn pictures on my website  well tomorrow  :)m
and my blog and my facebook page  :)     if anyone actually reads this and wants to see, lol :)  

He is growing up so fast,  Im still amazed by his coversational skills, he is funny and crazy and surely a 2 year old!  Into mischief right and left.

Trying on my tutu for photos :)  I think he looks pretty darn cute!  Colby looked super cute in it too! :)  Afterall I did win it for my baby,  who knew I would have another boy.

I am loving having a new little squish to be my model :)   I wouldnt trade any of my little Sir's for the World!

One last one... Oh those cheeks.. sorry kiddo, you got those from your mother..  Her nose & her toes and fingers too..  :)

Riley... Oh my Riley!  He starts school on Monday,
1st grade..

His teacher seems really great,  I am hoping this is the year he truely shines!  I want him to get the most out of life, to truley enjoy all the amazing things this world has to offer.  He is such a thinker, afraid to try but when pushed into something he opens up and loves it.

We fight like cats and dogs, I dont know if that will ever change, we are both so stubborn,  but I do know we love each other so much. Im scared for our relationship as he gets older, and I pray with all my heart that he doesnt hate me when he is older,  I just want him to be the best he can be.  Trying to teach him right from wrong, feelings and what he should do and not to do is allot of work and I dont even know if I am going about it right or wrong.?..
I am hoping school helps, full day, meeting new friends, socializing and having a schedule.. maybe time away from each other daily will help make us communicate better. and I know I need to take time out to spend more time with just him. He is such a big helper and this year I have relied on him so much because of all my crazy sickness.  he has handled it well, and I know he was meant to be my first child for this reason. He is so much like michael in so many ways, but then like me in my stubborn, feels like he has to be responsible and "parent" turtle.. He doent like to be told what to do ( I know who does) but we rebel..  

I watch him with Colby... He has an amazingly kind heart. he is so soft and easy and in love with colby, and eventhough he fights with turtle because they are brothers, he always makes sure turtle is ok, watches out for him and wants the best for everyone.  
Raising kids is hard!  There are no set of rules, no right or wrong..   Its just Trial and Error really..  I grew up in a BAR!  yes a bar, my mother used to take me with her to work, she didnt have the money to get a sitter, so from the time I was about 3 years old, you could find me at the end of the bar snacking on the cherries and lemons used to decorate the drinks.  Funny thing is,...  whenever I see one of those black plastic containers with the cherries, olives, lemons, limes in them.. and smell, it brings those memories back.  My mom was such a Free spirit, full of life and no one could hold her back, I was along for the ride making my own rules, being independant, free and in charge of raising myself most of the time. *& my sisters after they were born*   Maybe thats why I expect so much out of Riley.  When I was Rileys age, we lived in the Ghetto of downtown Phx. There were a few mights my mom wouldnt come home, I would be alone in the house.. I was in Kindergarden..  Those were the nights I would eat a whole bag of oreos and stay up watching TV in the living room till dawn. I got up, got myself ready, walked myself to school across 2 busy major streets.. I didnt know, when I was younger that.. my childhood wasnt normal...  Michael had the total opposite childhood,. very structured, rules, he didnt have to do much of anything for himself. (although he did have to make his bed and vacuum his room)   :)  so its odd to have to mesh our two versions of parenting styles into our children.. Give them some  responsibility, but not so much that they feel alone, or like free birds.

My Roo.. he is beautiful, so into star wars right now, which is weird.. but boys are weird lol so I can dig it!  :)  and I think he just might be a Dr when he grows up,  he helped check out my wounds to make sure they looked ok the whole time. even my csection incision, he isnt grossed out by it, gives me updates, tells me the color and if it looks ok.. eventhough its INFECTED!  so that means I will have an extended recovery :(  Im pretty bummed, but at least its an end to a very very long journey for our whole family..  The medical bills so far that we have recieved not including the actualy c-section I had last week... $168,000  :(  we pay 10% of that.LOL  yeah like that will ever happen.. For a KIDNEY STONE..  a 10mm kidney stone, a silly rock..   we have an out of pocket limit but with the copays and admit fees thats still nearly $4500.. which I feel bad but we havent even been able to pay one of those :(  I Hate not being able to provide for my family!!  Its driving me crazy.
I am so thankful for my little business. but yet I still feel intimidated by other photographers, thinking.. maybe I am not good enough to consider myself a professional photographer.   I love what I do, and I cant wait to get back to work,. I just wish it paid more, so I could help with the bills.  I never thought we would be in this position again..  having to sell things to be able to get groceries is horrible.. When mike and I were dating.. we had to do that allot. Plasma, Cd's VHS movies clothes ect.. just for a little money to eat and put gas in our cars,  I have worked so hard every since to make sure I was never in that position again, yet.. here I am.. 3 kids later, and the circle has come back around.  Its crazy how just one decision can effect your entire life in such a drastic way!.. Was the beginning quiting my job at the Police Dept?.  was it taking the Calcium Supplements to try and have a girl?.  was it not clipping my coupons and being organized? was it a combination of everything?..
I am exactly where I NEVER wanted to be in life.. a Lower middle class stay at home mother of 3 boys!  I mean when I was 18.. being where I am now was the furthest thing from my mind!  The likeliness of me being a stripper in Hollywood was higher then being a stay at home mother of 3 boys!.   This isnt where I planned on being in my life.. But maybe.. just maybe.. Its exactly where I am Suppose to be. 
Its funny how you wake up one day and find yourself in this reality that used to be beyond your comprehension.. 
Besides the baby blues. I am happy..  I have ALLOT of things to work out, and Allot of things I am not so happy with in my life right now,  But I know they will work out, they always do.
Michael has to keep reminding me, I have been through so many trials,changes and craziness this last year!. My entire life has changed in 1 year and 3 months!  Never in a million years did I expect any of it.
I have never taken my life for grated,  well.. not since my mom died. I am fully aware of how short life really is, but maybe I was focussing on it wrong.. I was rushing to get everything done.  Work hard to get what i want. have my kids and get life moving.. maybe its those other moments I was forgetting about.. the good stuff in the middle.   I have learned so many things about life, about me, about my family  this year. I am so grateful for that, and I know Michael has learned allot too..   I am just hoping we can use what we learned.. to live a more fullfilling life.  One day at a time we will see what the future has in store for us. 

I am truely amazed by the kindness of people I least expect it from.  people that I havent seen since high school cared enough to send a card and some money so I could get a few things I didnt have for Colby!  Chrissy sent me a beautiful angel to help remind me everyday that I would make it thru this tough time.
Some great ladies brought my family dinner when I wasnt able to cook after my surgery.
My godmother hired someone to come and clean my house while I was having Colbs.  so I didnt have to stress when I got home.  My aunt Debi, took time off of work to help watch my kiddos when I didnt have anyone else to help. 

my father in law, who does so much for our family, I really dont know what I would do without him, I would honestlty be lost. . Not having a mom here to help me.. or a dad that is capable of helping me..  is something I think about nearly daily..  & how thankful I am to have mikes family and good friends around when we need them the most.  I just hope that one day I can repay all these amazing people back for everything they have done to help make my life a bit easier this year. I will surely pay it foward

My stepmom Valie and Samantha and Shane come out next sat, I couldnt be more exited!!  I cant wait to hug them, feels like home, and I cant wait for them to meet our new little Colby,

Wow,  This journey is over. I survived, we all did..   now a new one begins,
some goals..
1. get healthy again!.. and make my hubby get healthy with me.  :)  Im sure he will LOVE that,  but I have spent years training him so I want to make sure he is around for awhile  :)
2. get our little family organized and back on track.. or heck.. just on a track would be cool
3. streamlining,. our bills, our lifestyle.. I dont know how we can do this, but I refuse to be this broke again ever!!  we usually live pay check to pay check, but when I cant even go buy basic groceries for my kids lunches, dinners or have to stress about if we will have enough formula for the baby till the 20th of the month is INSANE! and I dont want to do this anymore..
4. get back to work!  well my photography business..  I hope it goes well this season, I am excited to try new things, new locations and meet new people.  But yet I still feel intimidated by other photographers,   like I am not good enough to be considered one, and I feel bad being proud of my photos, because maybe they arent as good as I am thinking they are, and maybe I am just crazy!. or why do I seek recognition from certain people and fail to get it so them feel inadiquete.. lol I  know I spelled most of that wrong, and that might sound silly but its true. Although I know I have allot to learn still and want to improve in many ways.. I even shut down at a family gathering today, because there was someone else taking pictures there, so I didnt take pics of my kids or get the first family picture I so hoped to get because i was embarrassed thinking maybe they thought I was being a silly amatuer photographer a wannabee.. maybe I am.. but I guess at least I love what I do... I guess..
5.  be more patient with my kids and spend one on one time with each of them.
6. help my hubby.. be happy, find things in life he enjoys doing, andbe supportive of him in everyway.
7. do more things as a family, and have at least 3 date nights before 2013!!
8. Be Happy..  :)   destress and take time everyday to count my blessings.. then celebrate those blessing.
9. get more sleep.. lol  yeah I know.. but I am sure going to try!  A girl can dream cant she?.

10. Make my blog books!!!  I am 2 years behind, I have allot to catch up on, but I know I can do anything I put my mind to.

*when you figure out love is all that matters afterall.. it sure makes everything else seem so small*
carrie underwood.

This little boy, laying on my chest, so tiny, so beautiful, so innocent, so perfect..
My sweet Turtle snuggled in his blankie in his bed,
My Roo behind me on the couch, growing up so fast..
My husband, my polar opposite in many ways, sleeping for just 2 more hours then off to work in the AZ heat to support our little family.. a great man, kind, loving, he gave me these three little miracles..
They make this journey, all worth it...  everyday.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Getting grumpy in my old age

See this,...

 Im smiling.. 

I do that allot, no matter whats going on in my life, when I am around people my first reaction is to smile, be cheerful and kind.  Bubbly and full of life,  because people enjoy people like that.  When I was little my mother and I moved every 6-12 months, depending on how long she got the apt lease for. I changed schools everytime so I had to learn to make friends very quickly. 
I enjoy being me,  although I do get taken advantage of allot,  I give things away for free way to much and I put myself out for others to make them happy. My husband has the same problem.  But I like who we are and I hope we are teaching our kids that its important to be Kind and Joyful to all people..

I have noticed as I get older.. I am less likley to do things, or go places I dont want to.. This is a change for me. Although I have always been stuborn, Ive been just as big as a push over. I am thinking that my time working for the Police Dept had a graet effect on me. I am stronger now, I say NO more often, I stick up for myself and my family, and I am NOT afraid to call people out on their crap.. whatever it might be.   I think this has shocked Michael a bit.  Last year we were at the Bills Cardinals game.. There was a HUGE guy sitting behind us, He was drinking, cussing and yelling at people in Bills wear, Just being a total JERK!.  He started cussing and there were tons of kids around. everyone just sat there and pretended to ignore him.. Not me..  Some things tick me off.   So I stood up, turned around pointed at him and told him  he wasnt a very nice person and he needs to be polite there are kids around there.. The guy looks shocked, and was quiet the rest of the game..  Mike was shocked and I think he was scared for me, and him. Thinking we were going to get beat up after the game.   I wouldnt have done this before working at the PD.  Learning to stand up for myself and not be afraid of people, their words and what they think. 

The sad thing is, I am noticing me getting "shorter" with my kids lately, having less patience and being more "jealous and rude" about things I cannot control.  I dont know if this is just because of the REALLY tough time I have had this year, or..  if getting older does really effect you. I know the majority of older people are grumpy..  most of the time about most things, and I never wanted to be that Grumpy old person. actually.. I never in a million years thought I would be even close, but I am getting to close for my liking.. 

It could be that I am pregnant, its super hot outside, this house seems smaller and smaller everyday, Turtle is into Mischief mode 80% of the time, Riley loves to scream about everything, and we are to broke to do the things I want to do..   Most days are good, great and wonderful.. or at least 90% of the days are. 

I feel guilty when I say no, or cancel on someone, or dont want to go to a holiday somewhere,  but I guess its healthy to say No.. right?..   Why make myself misrable.. so someone can be happy?.  So how can I be the "Nice girl", but still keep that balance..  I guess thats something I will have to figure out.   Give freebies when I am excited about it, and be firm when work is actually "work"  and make sure that I have time to do the things I want to do.  

When I say "ok" to someone.. something that i dont really want to do..  if makes me grumpy and then in turn I get grumpy with my family, and thats not right to do to them..  So..  today.. I start saying "No" when I mean no,  and I am saying "no" for my families sake, so they dont have a grumpy mommy to deal with for the day.  :) 

This is just a Trial you know  :)   not doing things when I dont want to..
But I am going to get back to my non grumpy, cheery self.   :)    well I suppose that never went away, I just yell more lately..  I am like that Momma with Soul around here.  "Boy!, you better get your butt down from there before I smack if off" Kinda mom  :)  lol 

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Sweet Summer Days

When I was little, I used to LOVE those summer days, No school, no schedule nothing to do but whatever my imagine could come up with.  It was cooler then though, Global Warming wasnt something anyone thought about, and sadly enough... today they still dont, but its painfully obvious its getting hotter, earlier every year. 

I see all these fun things other families are doing to keep busy, entertained and to try and stay cool! The splash pads, water parks, movies, arcades, craft days..   One day I hope to do these things too. but for now I have to figure out how to keep my kids busy, and happy...

We had our own little bit of fun, nothing big,   just a small pool, a hose...  a pitcher of lemonade, and snowcones.. - the cones..

Rileys first reaction is quite like his fathers,  FREAK OUT! turtle squirted water at his hair, Riley ran in the house, said he didnt want to play anymore, and started crying and pouting!.. so I have learned the only way to deal with this.. is to tell him.. to get his butt back outside and have fun right now! I feel like I am being mean,  but being incouraging doesnt work with him.   Well, he had a great time for hours after that.

See..  Big Toothless smile = Fun

They even talked me into getting in the tiny pool,   It was fun! :)   I think we will be having allot of these "free" fun days this summer.  7 more weeks till our little Colby arrives!    And I am still doing Photoshoots!!  I am crazy, I know but  Dang I really need the money!  :) 

We went Real swimming at Mikes moms house,  she has a salt water pool, the pool was 89 degrees! Did I meantion is Fredaking HOT in arizona!   everyone had a great time!  :)  we got wrinkley, we had subway and just enjoyed the day. 

Long summer days..  with crazy boys running and yelling and driving me NUTS! I am surely in need of a little girls time..  :)   But I wouldnt trade these days,  before I know it, they will be gone, the boys will be grown up and riding bikes around the neighborhood with their friends...   & I will sit alone, in a quiet house and miss these crazy days.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Oh for the Love!

Heartburn...  its a horrible thing..  Hubby has acid reflux and takes a daily pill. I am NOT a good pill taker. I dont even take the vitamins I am suppose to take everyday. 
Since I had that HUGE kidney stone, I am so cautious lately on my calcuim intake!
But These.. are needed sometimes!..

I think the problem..  might come from these...
My weakness this pregnancy! Its horrible and after I have Colby I am sure I wont be able to eat them for years!

7 1/2 weeks left!  Im excited!  cant wait to hold my beautiful new baby, and start getting back to life.
I need to figure out how to do my own maternity pictures!  That might be pretty tough at this stage.  I am still doing photo shoots once in awhile, I need the money like crazy!! I never thought I would be back to this position in life.. So broke,. Its a horrible place to be.  But it was my choice to be at home with my kids, and of course, being in the hospital so much in such a short time isnt something anyone expects.
I finally got to go swimming yesterday!!  It was awesome, its amazing how many things you miss that you wouldnt normally give a second thought to. taking a bath, and swimming were two of the biggies.  The boys had an awesome time.  As scared as Riley is.. he is doing really well trying to learn to swim.  Even mike went into the pool.. I basically had to drag him, but he had a great time.

We got bunkbeds for the boys months ago!  But Mike put them together a few nights ago, All by himself!! I am so proud of him! He did an awesome job, and I know that he is proud of himself too!  Now if I can only get Turtle to "sleep" in his bed.. that will be a miracle.

I've been trying to do more things, but my energy is starting to dimenish again since I am in my 3rd trimester.. How fair is that really?.. I was so sick from weeks 8-28 1/2 which is the "good" part of pregnancy!  Now when I am nearly all fixed.. the hole in my back is closing up nicely.. I am 30 weeks, getting to big to move quickly or around allot. Unable to get comfy in bed,  hard to bend over or see my feet. and I am soooo tired it takes all my energy to get out of bed.
This has been a completly unfair, horrible pregnancy!  Once day I deserve to have a great, normal pregnancy!
I have been cooking a bit, which I love.. choco chip pancakes, big breakfasts, desserts, trying new things.. but its so hot outside, I cant imagine going to the store most days.. and I am always missing at least one thing I need to cook lately. 
Cleaning, organizing, playing with the boys.  Hanging with the hubby. thats about it.

Lets talk about Kids!: ..
2 year olds... Hmmm..  Riley didnt have a terrible 2...  well his little brother surely does! I am just so thankful he is able to communicate so well, so I can talk to him and use logic at such a young age.  He throws things on the floor, sometimes he will pick them up when I ask, and sometimes he has a meltdown and refuses.  Throwing crazy fits for no reason, telling "me" no.. which doesnt go over well.   But he sure is adorable..  Here are a few pics from us just playing around the other day.
He takes direction so well, I should have put him in commercials when he was a baby.

Its crazy how children..  can drive you to the Point of Insanity!!... where locking them in the closet doesnt sound that far out of the relm of reality..   But at the same time.. or just a few moments later, they can bring you more Joy then you ever thought possible.   When I was younger, Before I had kids.. I thought I only wanted 1.. No MORE. how could anyone have more then 2 and actually truely know their children.  Now.. I know..  there are some people that are irriated that we are having a 3rd child, and one person who keeps telling me mike needs to get "fixed" after this baby is born, as if having more then 3 children is Crazy!.. well that kinda makes me mad, shouldnt that be our choice?. Although I am NOT thinking about another baby for years and years. I dont want to take that possibility away.  I know I most likely will never have a daughter :(  and that truely breaks my heart every single time I think about it.. but these boys I am raising.. They are amazing, each in their own way.  As you get older, you realize the things that are important to you.. and whats important to me.. is to have the family I didnt have as a child, I want my kids to grow up differently, to have a different childhood.  and I love the fact.. that they will have each other to lean on, whatever happens in their life.
For the next two years... I get to focus on myself.. What I want and who I want to be,  I cant wait to figure that out! :)  everytime I think I have it figured out.. something drastic changes,  but I think that always happens in life. to everyone.. except those lucky people.. I am lucky.. in my own way.. some days more then others.  But I surely am Blessed to be able to have 3 children.. when 7 years ago..  I didnt think it was ever possible for me to have any!.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Quickie Post to catch up.

Playing Catch-up.

5 Months ago I went into the ER for crazy tummy pain, I was worried about the baby, turns out it was a 10mm kidney stone,   I'll post the whole story later, but after 12 days in the hospital, 4 surgeries, 12 dr visits, 4 ER trips, an At Home Nurse, Picc Line for 2 weeks,   I am finally thru with this whole thing,. :) I am nearly 30 weeks pregnant with Colby, my 3rd son,

Riley just finished his first year of school!  He is officially a 1st grader now.  Thank goodness, I hated his kindergarden year,  Didnt like his school or his teacher.  He got truely jipped on the full Kindergarden experience.  1st grade will be better.  He did miss ALLOT of school, because of my whole "illness" thing. but he is so smart, he still tested at the top of his class.

Turtle is 2, and Oh my!  yes he is!  He has full conversations, he talks better then most 4 years olds I know. He is so smart and funny, and the Biggest Momma's Boy I have ever seen! :)  & I love it :) 
He is my mini me, in every way! He is into everything, testing his limits but makes everyday a joy.

Mike and I just celebrated our 9 year anniversary!  He took me to Joe's Crab Shack!. we have been wanting to try it for over 10 years. He totally surprised me.  it was a very Interesting Experience.. but I think we will stick with Red Lobster from now on. :)  On July 4th, we will have been together for 14 years. Its hasnt been easy, and lord and others know we have had our ups and downs. but we have learned from them, and are loving every min,  We still argue, and think each other is crazy.. but thats because we are opposites is nearly every way.. but thats what makes us special.

This year has been the most difficult year since my mother died..  It seems like every year I learn a new valueable lesson about life, me or my family.. Or what others are capable of.  This year. I learned not to take those little moments for granted, I never really did. Having such a tough childhood. 4 stepfathers, a stepmother, 3 1/2 sisters and 2 1/2 brothers.. changing schools every year, having my mother die of cancer..My friends became my family, only to lose them and feel true betrayal from the people I trusted most.   I have never lived a sheltered life, and I dont raise my children to be sheltered. They are well aware of the joys, and sadnesses the world has to offer.
   The one thing I never had to think to much about is my health. My ability to get out of bed every morning and conquer the day. 

This year, I learned.. getting out of bed, walking, moving freely, rolling over, taking a bath, swimming, bending over, going pee, and avoiding hospitals at all costs..  these are all things I will never again take for granted.  The pure freedom of not having cords, bags, tubes attached to you is an amazing feeling! I still have that terrified feeling as I stand up from a chair, or out of bed, for an instant I have this feeling I am going to get "stuck!" pull on my cord and be in intense pain for days.

I havent been able to enjoy one day of this pregnancy, but now I have 8 weeks to get everything done, and take the time to do the things I wanted to do.  This may be my last child, and I dont want to waste another moment, Colby deserves the best.. He is a survivor

I'm glad I have the time to blog more, I have 2 years worth of books to catch up on.  & what better time then the Horrible Hot gross summers of Arizona. Its going to be 111 tomorrow.  Looks like I will have a few days to recover, before going outside anyways.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Can i leave yet?

I feel like I'm going to throw up.  Sitting alone in a crowed surgery waiting room. . Half alone at least colby is here with me.  Tears falling from my cheeks onto my oversized blue patterened gown.  Wishing I could leave. Why am I so scared?  I've done this before.  Just a tube change out.    But I'm scared.   I'm so tired of all of this.  The process. The pain the hospitals the surgeries. The medicines..  so tired. I can only imagine what my mother had to go threw.  Glad I brought tissues.  Glad they smell like the scentsy lime sublime scent I left them next to in the car.     Hoping and praying this week goes fast. Praying...  this week goes perfect.. just praying..   missing my crazy boys.. my anxiety driven husband. They are my strength.  They are.. my heart they each offer something different.. something special that adds true joy to my life.  Can't wait to get home lay in my bed and have my children bug me every few mins about juice. Or snacks..  :)    drives me crazy. But its my normal.. its my happy.  Just a few more mins now.. till I get another iv..   my arms are tired.. my back is sore and bruised.  I miss being me.  Hopeful. Cheery. Lighthearted..  me..   everyone has to endure something in their life. I thought for sure.. I had endured. Enough for one person.  Maybe after this..  everything will be better.. 

Continued..  2 and a half days later...
The night before my big surgery. I suppose for most people this wouldn't be called a big surgery.. but for me... its scary. Its not just me going in there.. laying on a cold table waiting for some dr to do whatever it is he does.. its colby.  My sweet baby who is also at risk.  This little boy is so strong..  going thru everything we have been thru since new years eve. Going over a week without eating a thing! Taking percocet for days. Barely any prenatals several infections of the bladder kidney. Sepsis in and out of hospitals for months.. this child of mine is strong..  tomorrow I finally get to have the surgery to try and break up my 10mm kidney stone. Hopefully I can take this tube out of my back. This drainage bag off my body and be able to live normally.. as I can anyway being nearly 8 months pregnant..  I'm scared.. the risks .. the worst case scenerio.. which I never want to happen and I am praying with all my heart won't be the case is.. colby could go into destress and they will have to deliever him early.. really early. 27 and a half weeks..  he would have to be in the nicu for a month.  That would break my heart.
I would feel 100% responsible and like a horrible mother..   the reason I made this choice is because...  either I have the surgery now.. or.. if I wait. It would have to be a few weeks after baby is born. When I'm recovering my my csection. With a new baby a 2 year old and riley back in school. Then I would have to have surgery then pass the stones and finish recovering from the csection.  Plus. Everyday gets harder. Everyday gets a bit worse..  I get further along. Colby gets bigger I have more pain, harder to move.. harder to sleep or lay down with this tube and bag.   So in 12 hours.. I will go in.. ask my questions. And if I feel ok about it..  I will go ahead.. I'm praying.. that everything goes perfect.. its been a horribly tough year for my family.  We have over 3k in bills on the counter..  I don't know how we are going to catch up. But we will. We always survive.  We are a team.. me and this family of mine.  We fight, we yell, we argue..  but @ the end of the day..  we are unbreakable..     my children are my sole reason for getting out of bed these days.   They deserve a mom who is present in their lives. A mom who takes the time to do the mom things.. makes their favorite breakfast, snuggles them all day and makes them laugh and listens to their crazy banter.. I am that mom and just because I'm sick.. doesn't mean I will ever give up on being that mom.  I am hoping tomorrow will bring me back.. a little closer to being able to be myself.    Tomorrow I will cry. It will be painful, stressful, embarassing and I'm sure I will argue with my husband @ least once.. because that's what we do when things get stressful. But in the end.   I will be ok.  I am my mothers daughter. 
I'm so thankful for so many amazing people in my life. I've gotten support from so many people I didn't know cared so much and I will never forget their generosity and kindness. I hope one day I can repay the joy they have brought me.  My husband who looks past this pee drainage bag everyday and only sees the love of his life.  My boys. Who love me so completely and bring more joy to my life everyday then they will ever know. 

I look around my dark bedroom.  Everyone is sleeping, I see a crazy messy house.. everywhere I look. It crazy how many things I've had to let go because I'm just not able to do them. One day everything will get done. Floors will be vaccuumed, clothes folded, toys put away. But not today..   that's the little stuff.. that doesn't really matter in life.  Ill never remember if I finished that laundry, cleaned that bathroom.. but I will remember turtle laying next to me with his stinky blanket. Sucking his tiny little thumb.. saying. "Tickle back mommy". I can't believe how much he is like me.. everyday I see more of me in him. His laugh, his smile, his personality so outgoing and bold. His natural kindness with an undertone of trouble, turtle is my soul mate. .  Riley, is my first true love.  You never know unconditional true love until you have a child.  This boy who fights with me about everything everyday is someone I can't live without.  He is stubborn and sensitive, he cares so much about everything he nearly burts if things don't go right.  He has allot of michael in him and I am thankful for that. He teaches me everyday, about myself and what kind of person I want to be.. he challenges me.  I love my children with my whole heart and more.     So I'm going to try and sleep now..  focus on the good..  pray about the other stuff.    I love that I can blog from my phone..  :)  keeps me off pintrest.  :)   more positive uplifting blogging to come soon..  :)   wooohooo