Monday, April 1, 2013

These are mine..
all three of them, beautiful and unique in their own way. They make me laugh and cry, they fill my heart with joy.
Today was easter..

For the first time ever I had my boys dress up, and I have to say they all look so Handsome!

  I love that they dont mind dressing up, there werent many complaints.

 See this face, I realized tonight that I dont see it often enough.  His pure joy, his excitement for scoring a goal, playing with his cousins and having my full attention!..  This is the big one. 

It all started with my friend Sydnee...  she has taken me on as a project, and I am so so thankful for her. Most of the time in life you cant actually "see" your life since your so busy living in the middle of it.  She told me.. that when I am at home, I am never fully there.. I am always working and thinking of things I need to to, but yet dont have time to accomplish everything and therefore it drains the life out of me. 

Its taken me a month or so to truely understand what she was talking about.  its easy to agree with someone.. but to fully comprehend them, is another story.  
See this child below.. he is my mini-me. in every way.  just say'n..

as I sat in the backyard at my mother in laws house tonight. children playing all around with smiles from ear to ear.. For the first time in a long time, maybe years.. I didnt have anything else to do. except "live in the moment", to be apart of this moment right here and now..  capturing the happiness of the children in my family makes me happy.
As everyone began to decend inside and leave for the night, I found myself sitting on the grass with Colby and I begun to cry.
For this lightbulb moment has finally happened.
I am a natural worker bee, I am disorganized, ambitiously lazy, and always take on more then I can handle.  I am this way because of my parents.. of course.  They showed me at a young age (due to their iresponsibility mostly)  that it was important to take care of myself and others around me. So thats what I have always done. I quit my job, but of course we couldnt make it and I always forget that my hubby HATES to work, he does it, but he.. is not a natural worker bee.. so I focussed on picking up the slack, instead of doing what I am suppose to be doing, and living in this moment, creating these moments for my children... and doing the laundry..
I start coaching turtles soccer team next week. I am scared and nervous.. there is no beating around the bush I am fat,  As I have nearly always been, but this is a different kind, somehow after colby its different and in different places and I dont like it. My excuse to not stop "drinking soda, having fast food, lack of scheduled exercise" is that colby doesnt sleep well so therefore I dont.. (which is true) but.. honestly I am up all night long working on editing pictures from 2 weeks earlier trying to get them out to people. 
When I wake up in the morning, my house automatically exhausts me,  So much to do, its easier to stay in bed,  As soon as I wake up I immediately start stressing about what we are having for dinner, usually have little money, and little motivation It because a struggle that shouldnt be. I know my hubby doesnt care what I make and the children will eat whatever I give them if they want to stay alive. But yet, its a stresser, a life sucker, along with the clutter, lack of time management skills, random things all over the house. and stepping on legos...
I keep waiting for summer, knowing business will slow down and then I can focus on my life. My thought process is get allot done now and have a great vacation. But after today I fear this mindset is costing me to much. 
So I vow to only do one shoot a week until I get my life caught up. We are going to be BROKE!  and I mean it, we are not those people who say they are broke but have thousands of $$'s in the bank.. we are the cant get groceries or even gas to get to the store because there is only .18 cents in our account people..
My business is bringing in the money we use for groceries, cell phone bill and the little extras here and there..  but I dont think I can keep up any longer.
The guilt is eating me away.. all kinds of guilt..
That I dont finish peoples sessions faster, that I didnt edit that one pic they might or might not have liked or used. the guilt of raising the prices slightly. the guilt of "sshhing" my children all the time so I can edit, or talk on the phone. The guilt, when its dinner time, I leave to go to a shoot when I could be taking them to the park, or be organizing, making dinner, cleaning up, working out, building a fort. ect.
So much Guilt for one person..  & hubby eventhough he says he doesnt mean to.. really really piles on the guilt trips.
So I walk around with a happy ubeat disposition everyday.. feeling guilty all of the time about something.. I dont want to feel guilty anymore.
Riley said to me tonight,  "well then dont do it and do what you want to do!".. ahh.. my child if it were only that simple. 
but maybe it is and I have been trying so hard to not let people down, and trying to make people like me, the only one I am hurting are my children.. and I.
I am dying to get away for awhile.. but of course that takes money over $300 for a rental car, then gas and food ect.   
thats about 5-6 sessions, and about 80+ hours of work..  thats 80+ hours of a messy house, cranky restless children who see that I am just telling them to go play..  and If I tell people I cant schedule them this month. how many of those people will I loose forever as clients?  and potential friends.
But I have to do whats best for my family.
so I have to be willing to sacrafice something and I suppose income and security it is. 
But  these smiles are totally worth it. 
I am worth it....

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

A Mother Hen, A Confidante, A Best friend

Tonight I had dinner with 3 amazing women.  3 women who have impacted my life in so many ways.   I dont think they will ever truely know how much they mean to me.  God brings people in your life and if you lucky enough to pay attention, you will learn something valuable from each one of them.

I dont think until tonight I knew just how much I missed them, and missed me. Years ago we worked together at the Police Dept. One of the most highly stressful jobs that I couldnt love more. They all taught me to stand up for myself, that my voice was important and had meaning. They taught me to trust in women again and that women dont always have to be in competition. They taught me to cook, to spell, to be honest to a fault, and they still love me eventhough they know all my secrets, my faults and always encouraged me thru every step of my life. There arent many people in life who you can truely be yourself around. I am so blessed to have them. A Mother Hen, A Confidante, A Best friend.

Dont you hate how things change?.  They rarely ever change for the better.  There are a handful of moments in ones life, that people will always wish they could go back to.  Those perfect moments, that no matter how hard you wish, or try.. you can never recreate them.  You just have to make new ones, eventhough most of the time, you arent aware you are in one.. until its over.

What Defines a person? 
Is it their job? Their station in life? Their family?

I feel like Ive spent most of my life searching for what defines me. I wonder if I will ever know.  I have had as many jobs as my age. There are only a few I truely miss.  Am I a waitress?  A medical professional? A radio Dj? A 911 Dispatcher? A photographer? A clothing merchandiser?.. A Mother?..  awe,  yes there it is..  a mother, a wife

Why is being a mother & a wife not enough for me?

When Mike and I decided I would quit my job to stay home with the children I was relieved, and excited. I sat at work and planned all the things I would do as soon as I quit my job.  I had endless lists from organizing, to learning how to sew and coupon, to being an active part of the PTA and a soccer mom.  I would run marathons, bake cookies from scratch and finally hang those pictures on the wall.

its been two years. and those pictures, still arent on the walls.
Why is it so easy to plan things, but so hard to find the time to follow through. Michael says "not everything is going to happen right now, some things take time."  I agree with him, Im impatient I dont like waiting, but what am I really waiting for.. to be someone else, or am I waiting for the energy, the perfect day where everything falls into place, the stars align and I can cross off  everything on my list. 

If I didnt own my own business would I have the time? If I didnt have 3 small chilldren would I have the time?. At 34 years old I really didnt think there would be so many questions still left unanswered.

who am I , who do I want to be, what do I want to do and would someone else for gosh sakes please help me keep the house decently clean!  :) 

 I miss being a part of something,

I love my children dearly, and I wouldnt trade one day to be at work away from them, but I do feel like I am missing something.. .

it might be my mind.. I do have 3 children.. they tend to run off with things you know..

I am a good mother, well in the sense that they are all loved, and know it.  making and having children didnt come easy for me. It was a challenge like the rest of my life as been. So they each know they were wanted,  they are all fed, and happy. Sure most days they eat cereal out of the box for breakfast, sleep on the floor during nap times and rarely wear clothes in the house,. But I hope they always know, they are all valued, wanted, respected & loved.. for everything they are. 

This Week:

Colby ruptured his ear drum..  yellow goo and puss coming out of his ear. yucko!.  we went to the zoo. it was cold, but we got to see lots of animals.
My TV caught on fire and blew up..  during my only relaxing time of the week. The computer HAS a virus.  Riley got an 8%  and a 15% on a spelling test which took his 98% down to 78% for the quarter! Ouch! 
Turtley has been overly emotional crying about everything, Colby hasnt stopped whining and wimpering for more a a few mins at a time. 
Mike went on a diet.. slim fast, Im sure he has already lost 20 lbs.. since his body is weird that way.. I lost 1 pound :)  yay!  only took me 3 weeks.
Mike let me nap today for 2 1/2 hours. and yep that is News!  It never happens!! it was a great nap I have to say.
I bought way to many cookies, so I have to make sure to give them away on thurs.
& I have 3 sessions to finish editing and a butt load scheduled next week.. Didnt I say i was going to slow down?. oh yeah that was before everything started breaking.. all I want is a vacation.. Im hoping a few group photo session days will help us get the vacation we are in need of. :)   hoping people are feeling generious lol,  but I know money is tight everywhere. oh well.
& that mean crazy girl on the bachelor went home!!..  awe.. its the little things :)  

Hoping next week is..  less dramatic :)   

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

6 months and counting

Colby is 6 months..  officially Not a newborn anymore.. he has quickly moved in to the Baby stage..  I hate that this first year goes by so fast.

I think between 6-12 months has some of the most dramatic change and growth a child can have.  I dont want to miss a moment...  but somehow. at the end of everyday I feel like I have.. missed it..  
When I lay down everynight and say my prayers I have this feeling like I didnt get to spend enough time with my kids, eventhough I was here all day. 

I see these blogs and facebook postings ect,about these great moms that spend their days in these 2500 sq foot no stains on the carpets clutter free homes.. they play in their beautifully maintained back yards all morning, then have an afternoon snack together while reading books and playing games.. Then the children magically lay down for a nap and the mother has enough energy to plan out dinner, post a blog, clean the bathrooms, clip coupons ect.. how do they manage this..? Im confused.. and I strive to be THAT kind of mom, but everyday something gets in the way of achieving any of these things.

One of the worst things about me, is I am NOT a morning person.  Anything that I am required to do before 2pm is going to be half-assed..  I dont know how to change this.  I used to be able to be an 10am person.. But after Colby.. who only sleeps 2 hours at a time at night.. there is no chance of that.

I am realizing that with more children the harder it is to actually accomplish anything. Unless of course you are a god like organized person which I am not.

I make plans, and one member or more of my family seems to have a different plan.  The last two years the house has been plagued with sickness.. of all kinds.  There are rare days out of each month when the WHOLE family is well..  no headaches, fevers, sneezing, coughing, diarrhea, sprained ankles, teething, bloody noses, kidney issues ect.. Does every family with three small children have these issues?.  All the family is well now, except for me. I woke up this morning with a 102.5 fever, chills, sweats, body aches where I could barely move..  I am PRAYING I dont start the cycle over again with the babies.. Whom, its impossible to stay away from because.. I AM A MOM.. 

I love being a Mom by the way..  The way my littles look at me like I was a superhero.. I love that.. and I know it wont always be that way..  I have another year.. before Turtle will stop seeing me in this way.. before he sees me as someone to take his fun away like Riley sees me, which makes me sad..  Its so hard to be a mother, trying to instill in your children good values, good habits, & still encourage them to be their own person.
I do think I spend quality time with my kids, but I know I could do more.

Lets talk about eating "clean". what the heck is that?. 
Ive heard so many people out there talking about their families eating habits.. and I suppose Im confused. what is eating clean and how in the world do they get their family to eat that stuff.?

I came home from work the other day, and since we are SUPER BROKE I didnt pick up dinner on my way home.  yes I know  Fast food = the Devil.. moving on..   my family 100% expected me to bring home fast food,  because it had become the Norm in the fall photo season when I was so busy,  but its the new year and we vowed to start doing things differently.  Everyone was so upset! I made everyone something quick we had in the house and there were nothing but sarcastic complaints.

When I plan and make a nice dinner,.. they dont eat it.  even if its things they like.. hambrgers and baked french fries green beans.. they eat a little and most of it goes to waste as they snack on cereal for the rest of the night..
&.. cooking is expensive..  People say  "Its cheaper to eat at home"  Liars.. or.. Rich People.. because when they eat out.. They are going to fancy places where dinner for 4 is over $100.  its so much cheaper for us to eat out.. everyone can get something they like and the bill always comes to under $20.  When we have Taco night at home... the supplies for taco night come to about $25.  No one ever eats left overs, the kitchen is trashed, and I have to buy it, cook it, clean it.. so.. arent I just torturing myself when we could have grabbed taco bell or $14 bucks,?

So in todays world.. without having a personal cook and money to do those programs.. how do you loose weight?.  cook for the family, then make myself somthing different?.. which I have been doing.  since one box of hamburger helper only feeds my husband and 2 sons, which I suppose in the long run is good for me..

I need a life coach. or someone to tell me everyday.. DO THESE THINGS TODAY..  so when I get them done I can feel accomplished instead of always feeling scattered. 

The boys and I have been walking around the house the last few weeks,  randomly mumblin about taking a vacation..  I think that might be a good idea.. take us out of our routine and give us something to look forward to.

The bad things about vacations are they cost money.. lots usually, they never go as planned,  and taking 5 people with completely different personalities is tough.. Mike has a plan.. and route.. and cannot adjust this plan even a tiny bit without freaking out...  but with a wife like me.. and three kids.. everything always has to be adjusted at all times.. Riley is whiney.. emotional.. and doesnt like to be outside..  so somehow I have to fix that.. Turtle is fun!!. but he is two.. and starting to get the emotional side of terrible twos.. Wow!.. Colby is usually really really good whenever we go anywhere!  but.. as we know.. things change,  and they can change anytime..  so a vacation would be wonderful, and thinking about a break from all this "life" stuff sounds like an amazing idea.. but maybe just laying in bed.. thinking about it.. might be the way to go. 

so far. I have been working on my 2013 goals, I am proud to say I am keeping up on some of them.. This blog.. I am blogging  :) not as much as I should and it surely isnt as upbeat or as happy as I would like it to be, but.. it might be because  while writing this,.. the baby has already woken up screaming once.. and I dont get any sleep..
I have not been negecting Rileys school activities.  I went to the awards ceremony where my little man made the Principals Honor Roll!  and.. it was a morning ceromony!  arent you proud? ..    & Riley, Turtle and I went to family movie night, ate pizza got yoyo's and stayed for about 20 mins of the movie. 
Im trying.. most days I feel like I am failing, but everyday is about learning.. Im learning and trying to do better. I may never be that mom I want to be, that wife I want to be.. but I can keep striving to be the best Me.. I can be..

One thing I thought about while laying in bed.. feeling like death...

I spend all this time doing things  I HAVE TO DO..  and very little time doing things  I WANT TO DO..   I know its just a mind set.  no one wants to go to work, or clean the bathrooms.  but.. instead of saying..  I have to go to this photoshoot..  I will spin it around and say.. There are so many things I want to get done today.  and one of them is this photoshoot.  or I want to get this bathroom clean today.. Because. If I want to do it.. then maybe it wont feel like a punishment.. lol 

  I slipped on water near the frys entrance the other night.. it was raining, and I was being so careful. I hurt my ankle again..  I feel im becoming one of those women..  those women who are always complaining something is wrong, or they went to the dr for this and that..  Its like a black bad health clouds follows you around and you cant help but have this incredibly horrible luck..  like god is saying "SLOW DOWN".. he could have just sent and Email, or even a nice little post card.. so im taking his advice, and I will be slowing down in a few aspects of my life.. taking time to look around. and do things I want to do..

The other day, i went outside to play with turtle..  its been forever since I have!  we always have a good time and I take pictures and he just plays.. he is just himself.  today.. he asked "can we go outside mommy and play and take pictures?.."  I was sad that I was so sick I couldnt, but it made me think about what I have been wanting to be doing... all of these months.. and havent..   when we get the taxes back this year. I have to do something with my horrible backyard..  I need easy maintance. No rocks and something fun for the kids to do, so they dont hate going outside into our jungle where they cant even walk barefoot.

well is 140am.. off to bed I go.. since Little Squish will be up in about an hour.. grr..
Riley & Squish

Turtley playing in the backyard

Happy Un-Birthday my squishy McSquish'ems

I love this one..  my littles

Olby LOVES Riley.  lol  me too :)

Thursday, January 10, 2013

My Squishy Mc Squish'ems 5 months
Yes we are teething,, and the first one broke thru
My Rainbow Bright baby :)  I <3 feet="feet" grabbing="grabbing" him="him" i="i" nbsp="nbsp" p="p" stage="stage" the="the">

Another year.. 

its after 1am, and once again I am struggling to get through the day  getting things done. Although I do need to give myself a break I suppose.  Raising 3 boys, all at stages in their life were they need ALLOT of attention and guidence.  Running a business trying to make ends meet only to fall short every week, not getting more then 2-3 hours of sleep at a time. the crying, whining, messes, bills, are neverending.. but thats the world right, thats everyones life. I am thankful at the end of the day that all my boys are safe, healthy and sleeping peacefully while I attempt to squeeze in every single second of quiet time, editing time, mommy tv time, and relaxing I can get before I cant keep my eyes open another second. 

New years..  Its like a clean slate .. right?..  It looks like the high school year book really..  "This is going to be an Awesome year!!"  Best year ever!!!  ...  we hold expectations high only to be hit with the truth that every year, every day has its successes and failures. Everyday has its ups and downs..

So What do I expect out of this year.
I made a list of doable goals.  One was to stop being such a dreamer..  but if thats who I truely am.. is that such a bad thing to be?. and I suppose at the end of the day. i am only hurting myelf with my silly expectations right?

Another one is to SLOW DOWN, stop taking on a "full plate" of things, or for gosh sake get a freaking Smaller plate!, but yet.. Here I go again. 
As I was throwing in the 2nd load of laundry that was covered in Turtles Diarhea today. I paused, and said..  "Yep I did it again, This is more then I can handle again".   sessions to edit, make perfect for these amazing people who trust me with their memories and images that they will have for a lifetime! Its allot of pressure,  a messy house that my family is getting used to but drives me UP The wall!.. but yet, I let it go.

How do we as moms do it all?..  Im so excited and Thankful when people book sessions, then the day comes around and I am so tired I can barely make it out the door,  but then the pictures 95% always turn out great! and the people are wonderful and I really enjoy myself, get home edit the night away... but those nights,  we either have fast food, which cuts a chunk out of my pay, or the family eats whatever snacks they can find around the house.  The baby cries and cries for attention, the older boys are loud running around being insane and hubby feels left out.   When a session cancels I feel instant relief!.. but then when I go to the store and realize I only have $50 for groceries, diapers and formula..  I feel so bad, like I failed to support my family because a session cancelled.  
Its a tough give and take.

One of my big goals this year, is to keep up on my blog.. for many reasons, but mostly myself.  Take time for myself, what I want to do (that doesnt involve TV)  :)  clear my head. I wish there was an app for that.. that I could hook up to my head so it could blog away at night,.. when I toss and turn for an hour, knowing the baby will wake up any moment. Thoughts run through my mind, things I should do,things I want to do,  things I forgot to do, things I wont do again. 
My fortune cookie tonight said " Unveil your ideas, and be ready to act on them.." Yep, even the fortune cookie knows that I have ALLOT of ideas,  but every little follow thru. Damn Cookie,

The cold is here. its chilling laying in bed, the wall where our bed is at is the coldest spot in the house in the winter, The icy chill coming thru the wall reminds me im missing out once again on the important things,  It begs me to stay bundled up in bed and not face the world for as long as I can, but yet at the same time reminds me in a few months the Heat will return full force and make everything harder, everything..

Why am I not energized?. taking advantage of every moment of this season?. is it lack of sleep? lack of motivation.. is there a pill for that?
Each year when I think things will get better, they actually feel like they get harder.. or maybe its just new trials, new stressful situations..

Hell, last year at this time I was sporting an awesome Pee bag attached to me for 5 months and had kidney failure and sepsis.. I nearly died twice.. so after all that,, I guess I just figured it would be natural to have an abundance of energy and ambition for all the great things to come.  Where is it?..  Who stole it from me?. 

Despite my view of my all to limited successes and overwhelming amount of failures.. I have kept the children alive and well. 
Riley has the energy of 10 preschool children on pixie sticks,  He is extremely smart and made the principals honor roll this quarter, which I think is higher then the Deans list he was on last quarter. However, he has very little ambition, motivation and cant remember anything we tell hi to do..  Hmmm.. so he is his fathers son  :)  lol   He is in that akward kid stage, loosing teeth and trying to figure out his place in the world, but yet he is still so handsome! & loving and kind.  when he isnt torturing Turtley. But thats what brothers do.  :) 

Turtle (brady) is growing up so fast, I hate it,  he is into the terrible 2's  dosent listen, and whats to do everything by himself, but never to busy to snuggle with me.   He is always always talking about Bad Guys "I Hate Bad Guys!"  he says all the time, he is a mini-super hero in every sense of the word, Sometimes he acts so grown up I forget that he is still only 2 years old..  He is by far the smartest 2 year old I have ever met, and a true mammas boys.   :)  He is so funny and he knows it.

Squish, (Colby) is 5 1/2 months,  I dont know where months 3, 4, and  5 went  :(   It breaks my heart to think he is my last baby. I am trying to soak in every moment, every smile, every kick every sweet bit of baby I can get.   he is a TOUGH baby though,  he wants and needs to be held.. When he is happy, he is Happy!!. when he isnt.. watch out!  This kiddo will scream for hours until he gets just what he wants. lol   He spits up all the time, on everything, all over.. I smell horrible, the house smells horrible.  and yet after he projectile vomits all over me, the blanket the chair and the floor.  he looks up at me and just smiles.. He has a beautiful smile , it melts my heart each and every time.

Eventhough I can spend a whole day at home.. at the end of the day. I think "wow!" I feel like I didnt get to spend any quality time with my kids, its a weird feeling, and one I hope to get rid of.  To be "Here" but Not "Here" 

I suppose if I had it my way, I wouldnt have to worry about money, I would take pictures for the love of it, I would be able to spend time with my family, see my sister and her sons, take trips, do arts and crafts, make delicous dinners, actually make it to the weekly play groups. Exercise daily,  Have weekly date nights, girls nights out, and spend time with each of my babies one on one more often..  But the days go by so fast..  and I fear I miss out on half of it..  Why cant the world be perfect. why cant I have that life?...
 I never thought  I was a person to thrive on drama... I dont think I am, but I do think I make my life more Chaotic then need be.   I read somewhere that if you grow up in a house full of Chaos that you actually crave it when you grow up.  Maybe thats it.   as television psych teaches us. Its all our parents fault.  :) 
How do I break that cycle for my kids?
I need a personal trainer... in life.. someone to come up, delcutter my life, organize me and let me go .. I wonder if they have those.  Maybe my children would get baths more then once a week. Maybe I could get the 100 things on my daily to do list done..

Business Goals: 

Oh there are soo many!..  I think 1/2 of me craves to get bigger, and better and achieve success and awards, raise my prices to...well.. make at least $10 an hour would be cool.  :)    to have a fully booked schedule and to be more professional and business like..
 The other 1/2 of me realizes this just isnt who I am.  and wants to keep it small so I can do and be whatever I want to be without expectations. To keep myself from getting hurt when my friends or aquantances book other people instead of me to take their pictures.. I dont know why it makes me sad, its not logical to feel this way.  Its not that they dont like my pictures ( I hope)  or cant afford me, But I know they have other friends and family who also does it and that everyone has a different style and its great to have a variety of pictures each year for their family,  So I need to get a bit of a tougher skin.. and not feel the need to be better then anyone else.. I hate that about me..  Im working on that. I am just so thankful that some people hire me :)    Thank goodness!

I need to be better at getting back to people and find a better way to sort and get my emails and things.  I suck at follow up and follow thru!  working on that.  I think the 1 session that didnt go perfect this last year will haunt me forever, and surely made me change a few things.

2am..  my eyes are getting heavy.  have to get up to take riley to school at 730, baby will be up within 45 mins.  then again at 5.   why cant I let him cry it out!?.. oh yeah, because he will wake everyone in the house up.. grr..  

So.. I have come to a conclution while blogging:

1. Less Chaos in daily life.. (not sure how to do that though when its not always up to me...  )
2. Go to bed earlier.. haha..  I start to ramble after midnight
3.  wash my jammies, I smell like throw up from the baby.. ewe.
4. remember to buy cat food,  before my cat attempts to eat me.. 
5. Remember to send back netflix movie so I can finish season 2 of Downton Abbey this week..  Yep a pointless goal.  but everything we do cant have significant useful purposes right?.

"Why do I rush to slow down everything"  Trapt..   Thank you ipod for playing a song perfect for this post.

Oh I should add a picture.. 

geeze that took nearly 20 mins to add those 3 pictures at the top, Dumb Blogger!  ok now to make a quick bottle and carry it to bed,
Goodnight world  :)