Monday, April 1, 2013

These are mine..
all three of them, beautiful and unique in their own way. They make me laugh and cry, they fill my heart with joy.
Today was easter..

For the first time ever I had my boys dress up, and I have to say they all look so Handsome!

  I love that they dont mind dressing up, there werent many complaints.

 See this face, I realized tonight that I dont see it often enough.  His pure joy, his excitement for scoring a goal, playing with his cousins and having my full attention!..  This is the big one. 

It all started with my friend Sydnee...  she has taken me on as a project, and I am so so thankful for her. Most of the time in life you cant actually "see" your life since your so busy living in the middle of it.  She told me.. that when I am at home, I am never fully there.. I am always working and thinking of things I need to to, but yet dont have time to accomplish everything and therefore it drains the life out of me. 

Its taken me a month or so to truely understand what she was talking about.  its easy to agree with someone.. but to fully comprehend them, is another story.  
See this child below.. he is my mini-me. in every way.  just say'n..

as I sat in the backyard at my mother in laws house tonight. children playing all around with smiles from ear to ear.. For the first time in a long time, maybe years.. I didnt have anything else to do. except "live in the moment", to be apart of this moment right here and now..  capturing the happiness of the children in my family makes me happy.
As everyone began to decend inside and leave for the night, I found myself sitting on the grass with Colby and I begun to cry.
For this lightbulb moment has finally happened.
I am a natural worker bee, I am disorganized, ambitiously lazy, and always take on more then I can handle.  I am this way because of my parents.. of course.  They showed me at a young age (due to their iresponsibility mostly)  that it was important to take care of myself and others around me. So thats what I have always done. I quit my job, but of course we couldnt make it and I always forget that my hubby HATES to work, he does it, but he.. is not a natural worker bee.. so I focussed on picking up the slack, instead of doing what I am suppose to be doing, and living in this moment, creating these moments for my children... and doing the laundry..
I start coaching turtles soccer team next week. I am scared and nervous.. there is no beating around the bush I am fat,  As I have nearly always been, but this is a different kind, somehow after colby its different and in different places and I dont like it. My excuse to not stop "drinking soda, having fast food, lack of scheduled exercise" is that colby doesnt sleep well so therefore I dont.. (which is true) but.. honestly I am up all night long working on editing pictures from 2 weeks earlier trying to get them out to people. 
When I wake up in the morning, my house automatically exhausts me,  So much to do, its easier to stay in bed,  As soon as I wake up I immediately start stressing about what we are having for dinner, usually have little money, and little motivation It because a struggle that shouldnt be. I know my hubby doesnt care what I make and the children will eat whatever I give them if they want to stay alive. But yet, its a stresser, a life sucker, along with the clutter, lack of time management skills, random things all over the house. and stepping on legos...
I keep waiting for summer, knowing business will slow down and then I can focus on my life. My thought process is get allot done now and have a great vacation. But after today I fear this mindset is costing me to much. 
So I vow to only do one shoot a week until I get my life caught up. We are going to be BROKE!  and I mean it, we are not those people who say they are broke but have thousands of $$'s in the bank.. we are the cant get groceries or even gas to get to the store because there is only .18 cents in our account people..
My business is bringing in the money we use for groceries, cell phone bill and the little extras here and there..  but I dont think I can keep up any longer.
The guilt is eating me away.. all kinds of guilt..
That I dont finish peoples sessions faster, that I didnt edit that one pic they might or might not have liked or used. the guilt of raising the prices slightly. the guilt of "sshhing" my children all the time so I can edit, or talk on the phone. The guilt, when its dinner time, I leave to go to a shoot when I could be taking them to the park, or be organizing, making dinner, cleaning up, working out, building a fort. ect.
So much Guilt for one person..  & hubby eventhough he says he doesnt mean to.. really really piles on the guilt trips.
So I walk around with a happy ubeat disposition everyday.. feeling guilty all of the time about something.. I dont want to feel guilty anymore.
Riley said to me tonight,  "well then dont do it and do what you want to do!".. ahh.. my child if it were only that simple. 
but maybe it is and I have been trying so hard to not let people down, and trying to make people like me, the only one I am hurting are my children.. and I.
I am dying to get away for awhile.. but of course that takes money over $300 for a rental car, then gas and food ect.   
thats about 5-6 sessions, and about 80+ hours of work..  thats 80+ hours of a messy house, cranky restless children who see that I am just telling them to go play..  and If I tell people I cant schedule them this month. how many of those people will I loose forever as clients?  and potential friends.
But I have to do whats best for my family.
so I have to be willing to sacrafice something and I suppose income and security it is. 
But  these smiles are totally worth it. 
I am worth it....

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

A Mother Hen, A Confidante, A Best friend

Tonight I had dinner with 3 amazing women.  3 women who have impacted my life in so many ways.   I dont think they will ever truely know how much they mean to me.  God brings people in your life and if you lucky enough to pay attention, you will learn something valuable from each one of them.

I dont think until tonight I knew just how much I missed them, and missed me. Years ago we worked together at the Police Dept. One of the most highly stressful jobs that I couldnt love more. They all taught me to stand up for myself, that my voice was important and had meaning. They taught me to trust in women again and that women dont always have to be in competition. They taught me to cook, to spell, to be honest to a fault, and they still love me eventhough they know all my secrets, my faults and always encouraged me thru every step of my life. There arent many people in life who you can truely be yourself around. I am so blessed to have them. A Mother Hen, A Confidante, A Best friend.

Dont you hate how things change?.  They rarely ever change for the better.  There are a handful of moments in ones life, that people will always wish they could go back to.  Those perfect moments, that no matter how hard you wish, or try.. you can never recreate them.  You just have to make new ones, eventhough most of the time, you arent aware you are in one.. until its over.

What Defines a person? 
Is it their job? Their station in life? Their family?

I feel like Ive spent most of my life searching for what defines me. I wonder if I will ever know.  I have had as many jobs as my age. There are only a few I truely miss.  Am I a waitress?  A medical professional? A radio Dj? A 911 Dispatcher? A photographer? A clothing merchandiser?.. A Mother?..  awe,  yes there it is..  a mother, a wife

Why is being a mother & a wife not enough for me?

When Mike and I decided I would quit my job to stay home with the children I was relieved, and excited. I sat at work and planned all the things I would do as soon as I quit my job.  I had endless lists from organizing, to learning how to sew and coupon, to being an active part of the PTA and a soccer mom.  I would run marathons, bake cookies from scratch and finally hang those pictures on the wall.

its been two years. and those pictures, still arent on the walls.
Why is it so easy to plan things, but so hard to find the time to follow through. Michael says "not everything is going to happen right now, some things take time."  I agree with him, Im impatient I dont like waiting, but what am I really waiting for.. to be someone else, or am I waiting for the energy, the perfect day where everything falls into place, the stars align and I can cross off  everything on my list. 

If I didnt own my own business would I have the time? If I didnt have 3 small chilldren would I have the time?. At 34 years old I really didnt think there would be so many questions still left unanswered.

who am I , who do I want to be, what do I want to do and would someone else for gosh sakes please help me keep the house decently clean!  :) 

 I miss being a part of something,

I love my children dearly, and I wouldnt trade one day to be at work away from them, but I do feel like I am missing something.. .

it might be my mind.. I do have 3 children.. they tend to run off with things you know..

I am a good mother, well in the sense that they are all loved, and know it.  making and having children didnt come easy for me. It was a challenge like the rest of my life as been. So they each know they were wanted,  they are all fed, and happy. Sure most days they eat cereal out of the box for breakfast, sleep on the floor during nap times and rarely wear clothes in the house,. But I hope they always know, they are all valued, wanted, respected & loved.. for everything they are. 

This Week:

Colby ruptured his ear drum..  yellow goo and puss coming out of his ear. yucko!.  we went to the zoo. it was cold, but we got to see lots of animals.
My TV caught on fire and blew up..  during my only relaxing time of the week. The computer HAS a virus.  Riley got an 8%  and a 15% on a spelling test which took his 98% down to 78% for the quarter! Ouch! 
Turtley has been overly emotional crying about everything, Colby hasnt stopped whining and wimpering for more a a few mins at a time. 
Mike went on a diet.. slim fast, Im sure he has already lost 20 lbs.. since his body is weird that way.. I lost 1 pound :)  yay!  only took me 3 weeks.
Mike let me nap today for 2 1/2 hours. and yep that is News!  It never happens!! it was a great nap I have to say.
I bought way to many cookies, so I have to make sure to give them away on thurs.
& I have 3 sessions to finish editing and a butt load scheduled next week.. Didnt I say i was going to slow down?. oh yeah that was before everything started breaking.. all I want is a vacation.. Im hoping a few group photo session days will help us get the vacation we are in need of. :)   hoping people are feeling generious lol,  but I know money is tight everywhere. oh well.
& that mean crazy girl on the bachelor went home!!..  awe.. its the little things :)  

Hoping next week is..  less dramatic :)   

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

6 months and counting

Colby is 6 months..  officially Not a newborn anymore.. he has quickly moved in to the Baby stage..  I hate that this first year goes by so fast.

I think between 6-12 months has some of the most dramatic change and growth a child can have.  I dont want to miss a moment...  but somehow. at the end of everyday I feel like I have.. missed it..  
When I lay down everynight and say my prayers I have this feeling like I didnt get to spend enough time with my kids, eventhough I was here all day. 

I see these blogs and facebook postings ect,about these great moms that spend their days in these 2500 sq foot no stains on the carpets clutter free homes.. they play in their beautifully maintained back yards all morning, then have an afternoon snack together while reading books and playing games.. Then the children magically lay down for a nap and the mother has enough energy to plan out dinner, post a blog, clean the bathrooms, clip coupons ect.. how do they manage this..? Im confused.. and I strive to be THAT kind of mom, but everyday something gets in the way of achieving any of these things.

One of the worst things about me, is I am NOT a morning person.  Anything that I am required to do before 2pm is going to be half-assed..  I dont know how to change this.  I used to be able to be an 10am person.. But after Colby.. who only sleeps 2 hours at a time at night.. there is no chance of that.

I am realizing that with more children the harder it is to actually accomplish anything. Unless of course you are a god like organized person which I am not.

I make plans, and one member or more of my family seems to have a different plan.  The last two years the house has been plagued with sickness.. of all kinds.  There are rare days out of each month when the WHOLE family is well..  no headaches, fevers, sneezing, coughing, diarrhea, sprained ankles, teething, bloody noses, kidney issues ect.. Does every family with three small children have these issues?.  All the family is well now, except for me. I woke up this morning with a 102.5 fever, chills, sweats, body aches where I could barely move..  I am PRAYING I dont start the cycle over again with the babies.. Whom, its impossible to stay away from because.. I AM A MOM.. 

I love being a Mom by the way..  The way my littles look at me like I was a superhero.. I love that.. and I know it wont always be that way..  I have another year.. before Turtle will stop seeing me in this way.. before he sees me as someone to take his fun away like Riley sees me, which makes me sad..  Its so hard to be a mother, trying to instill in your children good values, good habits, & still encourage them to be their own person.
I do think I spend quality time with my kids, but I know I could do more.

Lets talk about eating "clean". what the heck is that?. 
Ive heard so many people out there talking about their families eating habits.. and I suppose Im confused. what is eating clean and how in the world do they get their family to eat that stuff.?

I came home from work the other day, and since we are SUPER BROKE I didnt pick up dinner on my way home.  yes I know  Fast food = the Devil.. moving on..   my family 100% expected me to bring home fast food,  because it had become the Norm in the fall photo season when I was so busy,  but its the new year and we vowed to start doing things differently.  Everyone was so upset! I made everyone something quick we had in the house and there were nothing but sarcastic complaints.

When I plan and make a nice dinner,.. they dont eat it.  even if its things they like.. hambrgers and baked french fries green beans.. they eat a little and most of it goes to waste as they snack on cereal for the rest of the night..
&.. cooking is expensive..  People say  "Its cheaper to eat at home"  Liars.. or.. Rich People.. because when they eat out.. They are going to fancy places where dinner for 4 is over $100.  its so much cheaper for us to eat out.. everyone can get something they like and the bill always comes to under $20.  When we have Taco night at home... the supplies for taco night come to about $25.  No one ever eats left overs, the kitchen is trashed, and I have to buy it, cook it, clean it.. so.. arent I just torturing myself when we could have grabbed taco bell or $14 bucks,?

So in todays world.. without having a personal cook and money to do those programs.. how do you loose weight?.  cook for the family, then make myself somthing different?.. which I have been doing.  since one box of hamburger helper only feeds my husband and 2 sons, which I suppose in the long run is good for me..

I need a life coach. or someone to tell me everyday.. DO THESE THINGS TODAY..  so when I get them done I can feel accomplished instead of always feeling scattered. 

The boys and I have been walking around the house the last few weeks,  randomly mumblin about taking a vacation..  I think that might be a good idea.. take us out of our routine and give us something to look forward to.

The bad things about vacations are they cost money.. lots usually, they never go as planned,  and taking 5 people with completely different personalities is tough.. Mike has a plan.. and route.. and cannot adjust this plan even a tiny bit without freaking out...  but with a wife like me.. and three kids.. everything always has to be adjusted at all times.. Riley is whiney.. emotional.. and doesnt like to be outside..  so somehow I have to fix that.. Turtle is fun!!. but he is two.. and starting to get the emotional side of terrible twos.. Wow!.. Colby is usually really really good whenever we go anywhere!  but.. as we know.. things change,  and they can change anytime..  so a vacation would be wonderful, and thinking about a break from all this "life" stuff sounds like an amazing idea.. but maybe just laying in bed.. thinking about it.. might be the way to go. 

so far. I have been working on my 2013 goals, I am proud to say I am keeping up on some of them.. This blog.. I am blogging  :) not as much as I should and it surely isnt as upbeat or as happy as I would like it to be, but.. it might be because  while writing this,.. the baby has already woken up screaming once.. and I dont get any sleep..
I have not been negecting Rileys school activities.  I went to the awards ceremony where my little man made the Principals Honor Roll!  and.. it was a morning ceromony!  arent you proud? ..    & Riley, Turtle and I went to family movie night, ate pizza got yoyo's and stayed for about 20 mins of the movie. 
Im trying.. most days I feel like I am failing, but everyday is about learning.. Im learning and trying to do better. I may never be that mom I want to be, that wife I want to be.. but I can keep striving to be the best Me.. I can be..

One thing I thought about while laying in bed.. feeling like death...

I spend all this time doing things  I HAVE TO DO..  and very little time doing things  I WANT TO DO..   I know its just a mind set.  no one wants to go to work, or clean the bathrooms.  but.. instead of saying..  I have to go to this photoshoot..  I will spin it around and say.. There are so many things I want to get done today.  and one of them is this photoshoot.  or I want to get this bathroom clean today.. Because. If I want to do it.. then maybe it wont feel like a punishment.. lol 

  I slipped on water near the frys entrance the other night.. it was raining, and I was being so careful. I hurt my ankle again..  I feel im becoming one of those women..  those women who are always complaining something is wrong, or they went to the dr for this and that..  Its like a black bad health clouds follows you around and you cant help but have this incredibly horrible luck..  like god is saying "SLOW DOWN".. he could have just sent and Email, or even a nice little post card.. so im taking his advice, and I will be slowing down in a few aspects of my life.. taking time to look around. and do things I want to do..

The other day, i went outside to play with turtle..  its been forever since I have!  we always have a good time and I take pictures and he just plays.. he is just himself.  today.. he asked "can we go outside mommy and play and take pictures?.."  I was sad that I was so sick I couldnt, but it made me think about what I have been wanting to be doing... all of these months.. and havent..   when we get the taxes back this year. I have to do something with my horrible backyard..  I need easy maintance. No rocks and something fun for the kids to do, so they dont hate going outside into our jungle where they cant even walk barefoot.

well is 140am.. off to bed I go.. since Little Squish will be up in about an hour.. grr..
Riley & Squish

Turtley playing in the backyard

Happy Un-Birthday my squishy McSquish'ems

I love this one..  my littles

Olby LOVES Riley.  lol  me too :)

Thursday, January 10, 2013

My Squishy Mc Squish'ems 5 months
Yes we are teething,, and the first one broke thru
My Rainbow Bright baby :)  I <3 feet="feet" grabbing="grabbing" him="him" i="i" nbsp="nbsp" p="p" stage="stage" the="the">

Another year.. 

its after 1am, and once again I am struggling to get through the day  getting things done. Although I do need to give myself a break I suppose.  Raising 3 boys, all at stages in their life were they need ALLOT of attention and guidence.  Running a business trying to make ends meet only to fall short every week, not getting more then 2-3 hours of sleep at a time. the crying, whining, messes, bills, are neverending.. but thats the world right, thats everyones life. I am thankful at the end of the day that all my boys are safe, healthy and sleeping peacefully while I attempt to squeeze in every single second of quiet time, editing time, mommy tv time, and relaxing I can get before I cant keep my eyes open another second. 

New years..  Its like a clean slate .. right?..  It looks like the high school year book really..  "This is going to be an Awesome year!!"  Best year ever!!!  ...  we hold expectations high only to be hit with the truth that every year, every day has its successes and failures. Everyday has its ups and downs..

So What do I expect out of this year.
I made a list of doable goals.  One was to stop being such a dreamer..  but if thats who I truely am.. is that such a bad thing to be?. and I suppose at the end of the day. i am only hurting myelf with my silly expectations right?

Another one is to SLOW DOWN, stop taking on a "full plate" of things, or for gosh sake get a freaking Smaller plate!, but yet.. Here I go again. 
As I was throwing in the 2nd load of laundry that was covered in Turtles Diarhea today. I paused, and said..  "Yep I did it again, This is more then I can handle again".   sessions to edit, make perfect for these amazing people who trust me with their memories and images that they will have for a lifetime! Its allot of pressure,  a messy house that my family is getting used to but drives me UP The wall!.. but yet, I let it go.

How do we as moms do it all?..  Im so excited and Thankful when people book sessions, then the day comes around and I am so tired I can barely make it out the door,  but then the pictures 95% always turn out great! and the people are wonderful and I really enjoy myself, get home edit the night away... but those nights,  we either have fast food, which cuts a chunk out of my pay, or the family eats whatever snacks they can find around the house.  The baby cries and cries for attention, the older boys are loud running around being insane and hubby feels left out.   When a session cancels I feel instant relief!.. but then when I go to the store and realize I only have $50 for groceries, diapers and formula..  I feel so bad, like I failed to support my family because a session cancelled.  
Its a tough give and take.

One of my big goals this year, is to keep up on my blog.. for many reasons, but mostly myself.  Take time for myself, what I want to do (that doesnt involve TV)  :)  clear my head. I wish there was an app for that.. that I could hook up to my head so it could blog away at night,.. when I toss and turn for an hour, knowing the baby will wake up any moment. Thoughts run through my mind, things I should do,things I want to do,  things I forgot to do, things I wont do again. 
My fortune cookie tonight said " Unveil your ideas, and be ready to act on them.." Yep, even the fortune cookie knows that I have ALLOT of ideas,  but every little follow thru. Damn Cookie,

The cold is here. its chilling laying in bed, the wall where our bed is at is the coldest spot in the house in the winter, The icy chill coming thru the wall reminds me im missing out once again on the important things,  It begs me to stay bundled up in bed and not face the world for as long as I can, but yet at the same time reminds me in a few months the Heat will return full force and make everything harder, everything..

Why am I not energized?. taking advantage of every moment of this season?. is it lack of sleep? lack of motivation.. is there a pill for that?
Each year when I think things will get better, they actually feel like they get harder.. or maybe its just new trials, new stressful situations..

Hell, last year at this time I was sporting an awesome Pee bag attached to me for 5 months and had kidney failure and sepsis.. I nearly died twice.. so after all that,, I guess I just figured it would be natural to have an abundance of energy and ambition for all the great things to come.  Where is it?..  Who stole it from me?. 

Despite my view of my all to limited successes and overwhelming amount of failures.. I have kept the children alive and well. 
Riley has the energy of 10 preschool children on pixie sticks,  He is extremely smart and made the principals honor roll this quarter, which I think is higher then the Deans list he was on last quarter. However, he has very little ambition, motivation and cant remember anything we tell hi to do..  Hmmm.. so he is his fathers son  :)  lol   He is in that akward kid stage, loosing teeth and trying to figure out his place in the world, but yet he is still so handsome! & loving and kind.  when he isnt torturing Turtley. But thats what brothers do.  :) 

Turtle (brady) is growing up so fast, I hate it,  he is into the terrible 2's  dosent listen, and whats to do everything by himself, but never to busy to snuggle with me.   He is always always talking about Bad Guys "I Hate Bad Guys!"  he says all the time, he is a mini-super hero in every sense of the word, Sometimes he acts so grown up I forget that he is still only 2 years old..  He is by far the smartest 2 year old I have ever met, and a true mammas boys.   :)  He is so funny and he knows it.

Squish, (Colby) is 5 1/2 months,  I dont know where months 3, 4, and  5 went  :(   It breaks my heart to think he is my last baby. I am trying to soak in every moment, every smile, every kick every sweet bit of baby I can get.   he is a TOUGH baby though,  he wants and needs to be held.. When he is happy, he is Happy!!. when he isnt.. watch out!  This kiddo will scream for hours until he gets just what he wants. lol   He spits up all the time, on everything, all over.. I smell horrible, the house smells horrible.  and yet after he projectile vomits all over me, the blanket the chair and the floor.  he looks up at me and just smiles.. He has a beautiful smile , it melts my heart each and every time.

Eventhough I can spend a whole day at home.. at the end of the day. I think "wow!" I feel like I didnt get to spend any quality time with my kids, its a weird feeling, and one I hope to get rid of.  To be "Here" but Not "Here" 

I suppose if I had it my way, I wouldnt have to worry about money, I would take pictures for the love of it, I would be able to spend time with my family, see my sister and her sons, take trips, do arts and crafts, make delicous dinners, actually make it to the weekly play groups. Exercise daily,  Have weekly date nights, girls nights out, and spend time with each of my babies one on one more often..  But the days go by so fast..  and I fear I miss out on half of it..  Why cant the world be perfect. why cant I have that life?...
 I never thought  I was a person to thrive on drama... I dont think I am, but I do think I make my life more Chaotic then need be.   I read somewhere that if you grow up in a house full of Chaos that you actually crave it when you grow up.  Maybe thats it.   as television psych teaches us. Its all our parents fault.  :) 
How do I break that cycle for my kids?
I need a personal trainer... in life.. someone to come up, delcutter my life, organize me and let me go .. I wonder if they have those.  Maybe my children would get baths more then once a week. Maybe I could get the 100 things on my daily to do list done..

Business Goals: 

Oh there are soo many!..  I think 1/2 of me craves to get bigger, and better and achieve success and awards, raise my prices to...well.. make at least $10 an hour would be cool.  :)    to have a fully booked schedule and to be more professional and business like..
 The other 1/2 of me realizes this just isnt who I am.  and wants to keep it small so I can do and be whatever I want to be without expectations. To keep myself from getting hurt when my friends or aquantances book other people instead of me to take their pictures.. I dont know why it makes me sad, its not logical to feel this way.  Its not that they dont like my pictures ( I hope)  or cant afford me, But I know they have other friends and family who also does it and that everyone has a different style and its great to have a variety of pictures each year for their family,  So I need to get a bit of a tougher skin.. and not feel the need to be better then anyone else.. I hate that about me..  Im working on that. I am just so thankful that some people hire me :)    Thank goodness!

I need to be better at getting back to people and find a better way to sort and get my emails and things.  I suck at follow up and follow thru!  working on that.  I think the 1 session that didnt go perfect this last year will haunt me forever, and surely made me change a few things.

2am..  my eyes are getting heavy.  have to get up to take riley to school at 730, baby will be up within 45 mins.  then again at 5.   why cant I let him cry it out!?.. oh yeah, because he will wake everyone in the house up.. grr..  

So.. I have come to a conclution while blogging:

1. Less Chaos in daily life.. (not sure how to do that though when its not always up to me...  )
2. Go to bed earlier.. haha..  I start to ramble after midnight
3.  wash my jammies, I smell like throw up from the baby.. ewe.
4. remember to buy cat food,  before my cat attempts to eat me.. 
5. Remember to send back netflix movie so I can finish season 2 of Downton Abbey this week..  Yep a pointless goal.  but everything we do cant have significant useful purposes right?.

"Why do I rush to slow down everything"  Trapt..   Thank you ipod for playing a song perfect for this post.

Oh I should add a picture.. 

geeze that took nearly 20 mins to add those 3 pictures at the top, Dumb Blogger!  ok now to make a quick bottle and carry it to bed,
Goodnight world  :) 

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Halloweeeeeen.. & 3 months!

Yeah I know, Im behind..
We have been super busy. aka me = busy.. hubby sleeps lol 

Colby is 3 months!!  Wow that went fast.. I need more snuggling time!

I love that the holidays are here but once again I find myself taking on more then I can handle :(    But if I dont, we wont be able to have a decent christmas and get the boys winter clothes. & most of the sessions are just for groceries or past due bills.  I know the holidays arent about the money or the toys, which I am not getting them much of this year.   But they are about spending time together, and I want to make that time together special, doing fun things ect. and that usually takes money.
Im sure it will all work out in the end  :) 
Here are a few picture from our Halloween.
It was FUN! 

The cousins ran around together in costumes, I cant believe at all family functions now there are 8 little ones!   I love it, and when they get older I hope they stay close. 

Turtle was the "vintage" batman :)   he held my hand and walked around the neighborhood with me.. It make my heart happy, that when they asked him if he wanted to ride in the car with Kingston.. he said "no i have to walk with mommy"..  :)  

riley was Darth Vadar!!  oh my!  this is the first year I let him wear a mask that covered his face, and when did he start liking star wars!?.   now both the boys are crazy into star wars.   He did look super cute and he did a great job! 

lit'l squish was my baby Lamb :)  

I made it myself..  yeah  like that was hard to figure out, lol but I thought he looked cute! & snuggly

I didnt dress up this year,  :(   Next year.. I always do, but I guess I havent been feeling myself much lately.  Its been a tough year.. I've tried to stay super positive through it all..  I guess Im just tired.

We went to the pumpkin festival :)  That was so much fun too!  This is why I love the holidays, memories! :)   watching the boys grow up, learn, laugh and just enjoy new things. 

& we will end the first post in a LONG time.. 
in ..

 p.s  it was So much harder then it looks!   lol

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Colby Max & a little about life this last year

My Son,
Isnt he Beutiful
Perfect in every way
My little Miracle Baby

Dec 31st..2011 I woke up around 1am with horrible pains in my stomach,  I was terrified, that I would lose you...  How crazy that I was actually relieved to find out I had kidney stones.
I didnt eat for over a week, I took percocet and water, nearly NO prenatal vitamins, 
12 days total in 3 different hospitals, 3 different ER visits. dozens of Dr's appt's 5 total surgeries or procedures 5 months of having a hole in my back, with a tube attached to a pee bag I had to carry around. Picc line to give myself IV injections for 2 weeks. Throwing up dozens of times a day for months, having an at home health nurse to come to the house to take care of me and my wounds, my iv's and medicines.  at one point I thought the bruises on my arms would never go away. Every procedure I was so terrified! Praying you would be ok, and we would make it through as a team..   You my sweet pea are a survivor. You were meant to be my son, against all odds you are Perfect in every way!
I had you at 37 weesks,  I was scared to have you early, because of all the craziness we went thru.. but I couldnt move anymore. I couldnt walk I couldnt bend or take care of Riley and Brady..  But I knew in my heart, that you were strong and ready for me to hold you in my arms.

When I heard you cry for the first time,

it made everything worth it.
Every Needle poke,
Every painful step
Every moment of sickness..

Worth it..

I am so blessed to have you in my life, and we love you more then you will ever know.

 there are more baby newborn pictures on my website  well tomorrow  :)m
and my blog and my facebook page  :)     if anyone actually reads this and wants to see, lol :)  

He is growing up so fast,  Im still amazed by his coversational skills, he is funny and crazy and surely a 2 year old!  Into mischief right and left.

Trying on my tutu for photos :)  I think he looks pretty darn cute!  Colby looked super cute in it too! :)  Afterall I did win it for my baby,  who knew I would have another boy.

I am loving having a new little squish to be my model :)   I wouldnt trade any of my little Sir's for the World!

One last one... Oh those cheeks.. sorry kiddo, you got those from your mother..  Her nose & her toes and fingers too..  :)

Riley... Oh my Riley!  He starts school on Monday,
1st grade..

His teacher seems really great,  I am hoping this is the year he truely shines!  I want him to get the most out of life, to truley enjoy all the amazing things this world has to offer.  He is such a thinker, afraid to try but when pushed into something he opens up and loves it.

We fight like cats and dogs, I dont know if that will ever change, we are both so stubborn,  but I do know we love each other so much. Im scared for our relationship as he gets older, and I pray with all my heart that he doesnt hate me when he is older,  I just want him to be the best he can be.  Trying to teach him right from wrong, feelings and what he should do and not to do is allot of work and I dont even know if I am going about it right or wrong.?..
I am hoping school helps, full day, meeting new friends, socializing and having a schedule.. maybe time away from each other daily will help make us communicate better. and I know I need to take time out to spend more time with just him. He is such a big helper and this year I have relied on him so much because of all my crazy sickness.  he has handled it well, and I know he was meant to be my first child for this reason. He is so much like michael in so many ways, but then like me in my stubborn, feels like he has to be responsible and "parent" turtle.. He doent like to be told what to do ( I know who does) but we rebel..  

I watch him with Colby... He has an amazingly kind heart. he is so soft and easy and in love with colby, and eventhough he fights with turtle because they are brothers, he always makes sure turtle is ok, watches out for him and wants the best for everyone.  
Raising kids is hard!  There are no set of rules, no right or wrong..   Its just Trial and Error really..  I grew up in a BAR!  yes a bar, my mother used to take me with her to work, she didnt have the money to get a sitter, so from the time I was about 3 years old, you could find me at the end of the bar snacking on the cherries and lemons used to decorate the drinks.  Funny thing is,...  whenever I see one of those black plastic containers with the cherries, olives, lemons, limes in them.. and smell, it brings those memories back.  My mom was such a Free spirit, full of life and no one could hold her back, I was along for the ride making my own rules, being independant, free and in charge of raising myself most of the time. *& my sisters after they were born*   Maybe thats why I expect so much out of Riley.  When I was Rileys age, we lived in the Ghetto of downtown Phx. There were a few mights my mom wouldnt come home, I would be alone in the house.. I was in Kindergarden..  Those were the nights I would eat a whole bag of oreos and stay up watching TV in the living room till dawn. I got up, got myself ready, walked myself to school across 2 busy major streets.. I didnt know, when I was younger that.. my childhood wasnt normal...  Michael had the total opposite childhood,. very structured, rules, he didnt have to do much of anything for himself. (although he did have to make his bed and vacuum his room)   :)  so its odd to have to mesh our two versions of parenting styles into our children.. Give them some  responsibility, but not so much that they feel alone, or like free birds.

My Roo.. he is beautiful, so into star wars right now, which is weird.. but boys are weird lol so I can dig it!  :)  and I think he just might be a Dr when he grows up,  he helped check out my wounds to make sure they looked ok the whole time. even my csection incision, he isnt grossed out by it, gives me updates, tells me the color and if it looks ok.. eventhough its INFECTED!  so that means I will have an extended recovery :(  Im pretty bummed, but at least its an end to a very very long journey for our whole family..  The medical bills so far that we have recieved not including the actualy c-section I had last week... $168,000  :(  we pay 10% of that.LOL  yeah like that will ever happen.. For a KIDNEY STONE..  a 10mm kidney stone, a silly rock..   we have an out of pocket limit but with the copays and admit fees thats still nearly $4500.. which I feel bad but we havent even been able to pay one of those :(  I Hate not being able to provide for my family!!  Its driving me crazy.
I am so thankful for my little business. but yet I still feel intimidated by other photographers, thinking.. maybe I am not good enough to consider myself a professional photographer.   I love what I do, and I cant wait to get back to work,. I just wish it paid more, so I could help with the bills.  I never thought we would be in this position again..  having to sell things to be able to get groceries is horrible.. When mike and I were dating.. we had to do that allot. Plasma, Cd's VHS movies clothes ect.. just for a little money to eat and put gas in our cars,  I have worked so hard every since to make sure I was never in that position again, yet.. here I am.. 3 kids later, and the circle has come back around.  Its crazy how just one decision can effect your entire life in such a drastic way!.. Was the beginning quiting my job at the Police Dept?.  was it taking the Calcium Supplements to try and have a girl?.  was it not clipping my coupons and being organized? was it a combination of everything?..
I am exactly where I NEVER wanted to be in life.. a Lower middle class stay at home mother of 3 boys!  I mean when I was 18.. being where I am now was the furthest thing from my mind!  The likeliness of me being a stripper in Hollywood was higher then being a stay at home mother of 3 boys!.   This isnt where I planned on being in my life.. But maybe.. just maybe.. Its exactly where I am Suppose to be. 
Its funny how you wake up one day and find yourself in this reality that used to be beyond your comprehension.. 
Besides the baby blues. I am happy..  I have ALLOT of things to work out, and Allot of things I am not so happy with in my life right now,  But I know they will work out, they always do.
Michael has to keep reminding me, I have been through so many trials,changes and craziness this last year!. My entire life has changed in 1 year and 3 months!  Never in a million years did I expect any of it.
I have never taken my life for grated,  well.. not since my mom died. I am fully aware of how short life really is, but maybe I was focussing on it wrong.. I was rushing to get everything done.  Work hard to get what i want. have my kids and get life moving.. maybe its those other moments I was forgetting about.. the good stuff in the middle.   I have learned so many things about life, about me, about my family  this year. I am so grateful for that, and I know Michael has learned allot too..   I am just hoping we can use what we learned.. to live a more fullfilling life.  One day at a time we will see what the future has in store for us. 

I am truely amazed by the kindness of people I least expect it from.  people that I havent seen since high school cared enough to send a card and some money so I could get a few things I didnt have for Colby!  Chrissy sent me a beautiful angel to help remind me everyday that I would make it thru this tough time.
Some great ladies brought my family dinner when I wasnt able to cook after my surgery.
My godmother hired someone to come and clean my house while I was having Colbs.  so I didnt have to stress when I got home.  My aunt Debi, took time off of work to help watch my kiddos when I didnt have anyone else to help. 

my father in law, who does so much for our family, I really dont know what I would do without him, I would honestlty be lost. . Not having a mom here to help me.. or a dad that is capable of helping me..  is something I think about nearly daily..  & how thankful I am to have mikes family and good friends around when we need them the most.  I just hope that one day I can repay all these amazing people back for everything they have done to help make my life a bit easier this year. I will surely pay it foward

My stepmom Valie and Samantha and Shane come out next sat, I couldnt be more exited!!  I cant wait to hug them, feels like home, and I cant wait for them to meet our new little Colby,

Wow,  This journey is over. I survived, we all did..   now a new one begins,
some goals..
1. get healthy again!.. and make my hubby get healthy with me.  :)  Im sure he will LOVE that,  but I have spent years training him so I want to make sure he is around for awhile  :)
2. get our little family organized and back on track.. or heck.. just on a track would be cool
3. streamlining,. our bills, our lifestyle.. I dont know how we can do this, but I refuse to be this broke again ever!!  we usually live pay check to pay check, but when I cant even go buy basic groceries for my kids lunches, dinners or have to stress about if we will have enough formula for the baby till the 20th of the month is INSANE! and I dont want to do this anymore..
4. get back to work!  well my photography business..  I hope it goes well this season, I am excited to try new things, new locations and meet new people.  But yet I still feel intimidated by other photographers,   like I am not good enough to be considered one, and I feel bad being proud of my photos, because maybe they arent as good as I am thinking they are, and maybe I am just crazy!. or why do I seek recognition from certain people and fail to get it so them feel inadiquete.. lol I  know I spelled most of that wrong, and that might sound silly but its true. Although I know I have allot to learn still and want to improve in many ways.. I even shut down at a family gathering today, because there was someone else taking pictures there, so I didnt take pics of my kids or get the first family picture I so hoped to get because i was embarrassed thinking maybe they thought I was being a silly amatuer photographer a wannabee.. maybe I am.. but I guess at least I love what I do... I guess..
5.  be more patient with my kids and spend one on one time with each of them.
6. help my hubby.. be happy, find things in life he enjoys doing, andbe supportive of him in everyway.
7. do more things as a family, and have at least 3 date nights before 2013!!
8. Be Happy..  :)   destress and take time everyday to count my blessings.. then celebrate those blessing.
9. get more sleep.. lol  yeah I know.. but I am sure going to try!  A girl can dream cant she?.

10. Make my blog books!!!  I am 2 years behind, I have allot to catch up on, but I know I can do anything I put my mind to.

*when you figure out love is all that matters afterall.. it sure makes everything else seem so small*
carrie underwood.

This little boy, laying on my chest, so tiny, so beautiful, so innocent, so perfect..
My sweet Turtle snuggled in his blankie in his bed,
My Roo behind me on the couch, growing up so fast..
My husband, my polar opposite in many ways, sleeping for just 2 more hours then off to work in the AZ heat to support our little family.. a great man, kind, loving, he gave me these three little miracles..
They make this journey, all worth it...  everyday.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Getting grumpy in my old age

See this,...

 Im smiling.. 

I do that allot, no matter whats going on in my life, when I am around people my first reaction is to smile, be cheerful and kind.  Bubbly and full of life,  because people enjoy people like that.  When I was little my mother and I moved every 6-12 months, depending on how long she got the apt lease for. I changed schools everytime so I had to learn to make friends very quickly. 
I enjoy being me,  although I do get taken advantage of allot,  I give things away for free way to much and I put myself out for others to make them happy. My husband has the same problem.  But I like who we are and I hope we are teaching our kids that its important to be Kind and Joyful to all people..

I have noticed as I get older.. I am less likley to do things, or go places I dont want to.. This is a change for me. Although I have always been stuborn, Ive been just as big as a push over. I am thinking that my time working for the Police Dept had a graet effect on me. I am stronger now, I say NO more often, I stick up for myself and my family, and I am NOT afraid to call people out on their crap.. whatever it might be.   I think this has shocked Michael a bit.  Last year we were at the Bills Cardinals game.. There was a HUGE guy sitting behind us, He was drinking, cussing and yelling at people in Bills wear, Just being a total JERK!.  He started cussing and there were tons of kids around. everyone just sat there and pretended to ignore him.. Not me..  Some things tick me off.   So I stood up, turned around pointed at him and told him  he wasnt a very nice person and he needs to be polite there are kids around there.. The guy looks shocked, and was quiet the rest of the game..  Mike was shocked and I think he was scared for me, and him. Thinking we were going to get beat up after the game.   I wouldnt have done this before working at the PD.  Learning to stand up for myself and not be afraid of people, their words and what they think. 

The sad thing is, I am noticing me getting "shorter" with my kids lately, having less patience and being more "jealous and rude" about things I cannot control.  I dont know if this is just because of the REALLY tough time I have had this year, or..  if getting older does really effect you. I know the majority of older people are grumpy..  most of the time about most things, and I never wanted to be that Grumpy old person. actually.. I never in a million years thought I would be even close, but I am getting to close for my liking.. 

It could be that I am pregnant, its super hot outside, this house seems smaller and smaller everyday, Turtle is into Mischief mode 80% of the time, Riley loves to scream about everything, and we are to broke to do the things I want to do..   Most days are good, great and wonderful.. or at least 90% of the days are. 

I feel guilty when I say no, or cancel on someone, or dont want to go to a holiday somewhere,  but I guess its healthy to say No.. right?..   Why make myself misrable.. so someone can be happy?.  So how can I be the "Nice girl", but still keep that balance..  I guess thats something I will have to figure out.   Give freebies when I am excited about it, and be firm when work is actually "work"  and make sure that I have time to do the things I want to do.  

When I say "ok" to someone.. something that i dont really want to do..  if makes me grumpy and then in turn I get grumpy with my family, and thats not right to do to them..  So..  today.. I start saying "No" when I mean no,  and I am saying "no" for my families sake, so they dont have a grumpy mommy to deal with for the day.  :) 

This is just a Trial you know  :)   not doing things when I dont want to..
But I am going to get back to my non grumpy, cheery self.   :)    well I suppose that never went away, I just yell more lately..  I am like that Momma with Soul around here.  "Boy!, you better get your butt down from there before I smack if off" Kinda mom  :)  lol 

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Sweet Summer Days

When I was little, I used to LOVE those summer days, No school, no schedule nothing to do but whatever my imagine could come up with.  It was cooler then though, Global Warming wasnt something anyone thought about, and sadly enough... today they still dont, but its painfully obvious its getting hotter, earlier every year. 

I see all these fun things other families are doing to keep busy, entertained and to try and stay cool! The splash pads, water parks, movies, arcades, craft days..   One day I hope to do these things too. but for now I have to figure out how to keep my kids busy, and happy...

We had our own little bit of fun, nothing big,   just a small pool, a hose...  a pitcher of lemonade, and snowcones.. - the cones..

Rileys first reaction is quite like his fathers,  FREAK OUT! turtle squirted water at his hair, Riley ran in the house, said he didnt want to play anymore, and started crying and pouting!.. so I have learned the only way to deal with this.. is to tell him.. to get his butt back outside and have fun right now! I feel like I am being mean,  but being incouraging doesnt work with him.   Well, he had a great time for hours after that.

See..  Big Toothless smile = Fun

They even talked me into getting in the tiny pool,   It was fun! :)   I think we will be having allot of these "free" fun days this summer.  7 more weeks till our little Colby arrives!    And I am still doing Photoshoots!!  I am crazy, I know but  Dang I really need the money!  :) 

We went Real swimming at Mikes moms house,  she has a salt water pool, the pool was 89 degrees! Did I meantion is Fredaking HOT in arizona!   everyone had a great time!  :)  we got wrinkley, we had subway and just enjoyed the day. 

Long summer days..  with crazy boys running and yelling and driving me NUTS! I am surely in need of a little girls time..  :)   But I wouldnt trade these days,  before I know it, they will be gone, the boys will be grown up and riding bikes around the neighborhood with their friends...   & I will sit alone, in a quiet house and miss these crazy days.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Oh for the Love!

Heartburn...  its a horrible thing..  Hubby has acid reflux and takes a daily pill. I am NOT a good pill taker. I dont even take the vitamins I am suppose to take everyday. 
Since I had that HUGE kidney stone, I am so cautious lately on my calcuim intake!
But These.. are needed sometimes!..

I think the problem..  might come from these...
My weakness this pregnancy! Its horrible and after I have Colby I am sure I wont be able to eat them for years!

7 1/2 weeks left!  Im excited!  cant wait to hold my beautiful new baby, and start getting back to life.
I need to figure out how to do my own maternity pictures!  That might be pretty tough at this stage.  I am still doing photo shoots once in awhile, I need the money like crazy!! I never thought I would be back to this position in life.. So broke,. Its a horrible place to be.  But it was my choice to be at home with my kids, and of course, being in the hospital so much in such a short time isnt something anyone expects.
I finally got to go swimming yesterday!!  It was awesome, its amazing how many things you miss that you wouldnt normally give a second thought to. taking a bath, and swimming were two of the biggies.  The boys had an awesome time.  As scared as Riley is.. he is doing really well trying to learn to swim.  Even mike went into the pool.. I basically had to drag him, but he had a great time.

We got bunkbeds for the boys months ago!  But Mike put them together a few nights ago, All by himself!! I am so proud of him! He did an awesome job, and I know that he is proud of himself too!  Now if I can only get Turtle to "sleep" in his bed.. that will be a miracle.

I've been trying to do more things, but my energy is starting to dimenish again since I am in my 3rd trimester.. How fair is that really?.. I was so sick from weeks 8-28 1/2 which is the "good" part of pregnancy!  Now when I am nearly all fixed.. the hole in my back is closing up nicely.. I am 30 weeks, getting to big to move quickly or around allot. Unable to get comfy in bed,  hard to bend over or see my feet. and I am soooo tired it takes all my energy to get out of bed.
This has been a completly unfair, horrible pregnancy!  Once day I deserve to have a great, normal pregnancy!
I have been cooking a bit, which I love.. choco chip pancakes, big breakfasts, desserts, trying new things.. but its so hot outside, I cant imagine going to the store most days.. and I am always missing at least one thing I need to cook lately. 
Cleaning, organizing, playing with the boys.  Hanging with the hubby. thats about it.

Lets talk about Kids!: ..
2 year olds... Hmmm..  Riley didnt have a terrible 2...  well his little brother surely does! I am just so thankful he is able to communicate so well, so I can talk to him and use logic at such a young age.  He throws things on the floor, sometimes he will pick them up when I ask, and sometimes he has a meltdown and refuses.  Throwing crazy fits for no reason, telling "me" no.. which doesnt go over well.   But he sure is adorable..  Here are a few pics from us just playing around the other day.
He takes direction so well, I should have put him in commercials when he was a baby.

Its crazy how children..  can drive you to the Point of Insanity!!... where locking them in the closet doesnt sound that far out of the relm of reality..   But at the same time.. or just a few moments later, they can bring you more Joy then you ever thought possible.   When I was younger, Before I had kids.. I thought I only wanted 1.. No MORE. how could anyone have more then 2 and actually truely know their children.  Now.. I know..  there are some people that are irriated that we are having a 3rd child, and one person who keeps telling me mike needs to get "fixed" after this baby is born, as if having more then 3 children is Crazy!.. well that kinda makes me mad, shouldnt that be our choice?. Although I am NOT thinking about another baby for years and years. I dont want to take that possibility away.  I know I most likely will never have a daughter :(  and that truely breaks my heart every single time I think about it.. but these boys I am raising.. They are amazing, each in their own way.  As you get older, you realize the things that are important to you.. and whats important to me.. is to have the family I didnt have as a child, I want my kids to grow up differently, to have a different childhood.  and I love the fact.. that they will have each other to lean on, whatever happens in their life.
For the next two years... I get to focus on myself.. What I want and who I want to be,  I cant wait to figure that out! :)  everytime I think I have it figured out.. something drastic changes,  but I think that always happens in life. to everyone.. except those lucky people.. I am lucky.. in my own way.. some days more then others.  But I surely am Blessed to be able to have 3 children.. when 7 years ago..  I didnt think it was ever possible for me to have any!.