Some Pages Turned, some Bridges Burned, Some Lessons Learned

I am 30 years old. The past couple weeks have been the worst weeks since my mom died 10 years ago. Things I never thought would happen.. did..
I had this vision of my life in 10 years 20 years, it encluded someone I thought was very important 2 me, we would be going to parks together, shopping together, raising our children together. Going to their school activities, and taking family vacations. Growing old, watching our kids leave the nest, and somewhere in there taking up, weekly card games as a hobby, and arts and crafts night.. But that vision, that plan.. is gone.
I feel betrayed, back stabbed, and I was humilated until I realized,.. that.. I have a great life. I am a successful woman, married to a kind handsome man, with an amazing smart, kind caring son. I have a nice house, I am creative, kind,smart, spunky,fun loving, fun to be around, outgoing and I have lots of friends I really care about. Someone wanted that. and I nearly feel sorry for this person. That the desperation ran so deep, the sadness and low self esteem was so powerful, that it made what happened.. seem.. ok, not that bad. and maybe she (me) will never know.
I am sad, because I feel like I have lost a part of my family, and experienced a deeply broken heart, in more ways then one. I still have visions of things I read, and bad thoughts. involving knives, cars, ropes., ect.. but I suppose thats normal for awhile, and I know that evertday will get better, everyday I will forgive a little more. Although I will NEVER FORGET. The last couple of weeks, have proved what I have been telling my husband for years. Women are Evil, and Men are Stupid.
I know im not perfect,and have made mistakes but Im working on it. and I am re-building that foundation on which my life is based on.
I am truely sorry that this happened, But maybe some day I will realize it was a blessing, instead of the way it feels right now. I hope,
I am going to continue being me, raising my son, loving my husband, and living my life, But a little wiser this time. To this person who hurt my family so deeply, I want you to know, I love your children, I always will, I love you, and your family, I always will, I took your pictures out of my house, but I cannot take you out of my heart. One day the pain will fade, and the memories wont be so vivid. I cant wait for that day. For the day, that I look back at our past, and think good thankful thoughts, knowing that you are one of the people that helped make me who I am, and I thank you for that. But I can never see us speaking or seeing each other again. I hope your life, is everything you ever wanted it to be. & I hope that you find whatever it is your looking for.


ok.. moving on..
Mike turned 30! We had a party. we played a game, we hit a pinata, we had pizza.
Mike and I went on a nice date tonght! :) It was fun! We went to Red Lobster! Which I love and the Crab was perfect! then we went to see... the Ugly truth!! Which was so cute, and funny, and yes a chick flick but mike loved it. It was a guy movie too! & we discovered a new word that perfectly discribes my husband! It was so funny., Nuerotic! :) But those are some of the very reasons I love him.
It was our first night out without riley since we saw, 'Forgetting Sarah marshall" which I think that came out a year ago!! So it was nice, and it was the first time I wasnt really worried about riley. He is growing up so fast! and Communicating so well.
School starts in a coupld of weeks, and I am taking a pretty heavy class load this time. Im nervous, but I know I can handle it! :) After this semester I will recieve my Crime Scene Investigator Tech Certificate :) Im excited!
Riley and I had fun taking funny face pics.. I couldnt get them all I was laughing to hard! Here are a few




I think I have aged 10 years this week!!

Colors, Numbers, Sugar = Surprise!

Mike's birthday isnt for 2 weeks, But today I wanted to try and make him a cake!
I figured, try.. was the key word! I've been watching Ace of Cakes, and Cake Boss like crazy lately, and I have always wanted to try fondont! So I thought it would be nice to make a cake for him, and surprise him with his birthday gift at the same time.

Blink 182 has been mike's favorite band for at least 11 years! and they are back together now and coming to concert in Sept. I got him tickets to the show, but I knew he needed time to make sure he could get it off work. So when the cake turned out so good today! I decided to make his birthday come a bit earlier! :)

I should have taken a picture of my hands after last night! I took the fondont to work and added the coloring and mixed it together there. My hands were/are dyed partially blue! with orange speckles.
Heather came over today to help me! Yay! and she is a rolling queen! and thank goodness for those cookie cutters or it would have taken an hour to cut out all the letters by hand. Putting it on the cake was easier then I thought too.

I even made the inside of the cake bright orange too! Since Blue and Orange are his favorite colors I thought it would be the perfect Cake! He loved it, and was so happy to get the concert tickets! I think he is still is Awe, that he gets to see Blink 182 again!.

I really enjoyed making it and it came out pretty nice, Fondant isnt yummy.. ewe. but it sure does look pretty :)
I think I will be doing more, the bad thing about this hobby is, Its expensive. and you eat the end result!.. But it is allot of fun!

Stuff, Party, treats...

Hello Middle of JULY! that is crazy how fast the last few months have gone by. I feel like since I took my finals the beginning of May, I have been a complete space Cadet!! (worse then usual)
Tammy's birthday was last week, We went to Dave and Busters,

It was cool! like an arcade for adults, with great food :)

We are going back in a few weeks.
Riley loved the driving games..

and he went "bowling with spongebob"


Most all of us are 30 Now.. Mike's birthday is next month.. and I think thats it! I cant believe we have entered the next chapter in our lives as official adults.


Riley and I made rice crispy treats today..

and I discovered he is just like his dad, wont even eat them because they are sticky! but it was fun for me, I havent made them in a long time.

I am very proud of my husband lately.. He is really growing into his own.
I am a PROCRASTINATOR!! i dont think I spelled that right. I have been meaning to call and start the re-finance our house process, but I kept putting it off. One day mike did it, and we signed the final papers on friday! We are saving over $100 a month!! thank goodness. and just in time too, they said as of MONDAY they are all checking credit scores.. and we wouldnt have been able to re-fi if they had to check our credit. He even did the dishes a few days ago.
Here Comes TO MUCH INFORMATION.. but since I make books out of my blogs.. it need to be in here :)

So Mike and I have been trying to have another baby for about 2 years! I really really started trying Last OCT.. No luck, until a miscarriage in April, Thank GOD I didnt know I was pregnant till it happened. I would have been heart broken. more then I already was.
I have learned more then I ever thought I would about "HOW TO GET PREGNANT" and how bodies work.. or Dont.. in my case. I dont know how NOT to think about it everyday. I dont know how to put it in the back of my mind and do other things.
I wake up each morning, and take my temp.. most the time I dont chart it, then I look at the calender to see what day of my cycle I am on, then I pee on a stick, always to get neg results.. I have only gotten 3 positive tests for Ovulation in 9 months!. Here comes the TO MUCH INFO!!!...BEWARE>>
Then I chart my cervical mucus everyday, and when we have sex,and when we HAVE to have sex, and then think of sneaky ways to make it happen without him knowing thats what I am doing, somedays I even have to call in late to work! and then I count foward and backward on the calender to see when I can take a preg-o test.. and the likely-ness of the days adding up right. THen I look up my symptoms online, and check the PCOS website for new information and posts on threads about getting pregnant.. I am also taking CLOMID some months which is a pill to make you ovulate. And I am also taking METFORMIN, which is usually for Diebetics, but it also treats PCOS, which is Poly Cycstic Ovarian Syndrome, which I have,. it regulates your blood sugar, and brings my hormones levels back to normal. The pills make me sick, and they smell and taste gross, I do this process everyday. and it seems so silly somedays, because I know when the time is right it will happen. But I guess its hard to understand because so many woman plan to get pregnant, get off the pill and the next month BAM they are going to have a baby!.. Why is it so easy for some, and nearly impossible for me. I am soooo blessed to have Riley, when I know there are people who cant even have one. & he is a great kid, who I love more then life itself.
I would like to be able to focus on something else.. becuase there are so many things I want to do, but I cant seem to. Sure I get the things done I need to, and I take care of my resopnsibilities, but I wish I would just get pregnant already!! So I can move on!! plan for the future and focus on other things.. (well then I suppose I would be focus'ing on the addition to the family) but at least thats a good reason to think about it.. Sorry for venting.. I should be enjoying only having one child.. Knowing that if I want to go to the store I can just grab him and go, no planning involved. He can get his own breakfast and snacks, and juice. we have full conversations. If mike and I go out, we can usually take him, he is low maintance, and very entertaining. If we had 2 or more kids, this would all change. So maybe god doesnt think I am ready for that change yet.. so for now I will have to accept that.. and try.. TRY to focus on other things.. TRY = key word.

Idependence day!

Happy 4th of July!!! It's my favorite holiday!.. eventhough its hot and sticky.. I love it. I think because when I was little my grandpa owned a firework stand in Missouri and I used to work there. I have allot of fond memories of 4th of july.. and there are not that many from my childhood I can remember.
I had the day off!! :) Yay, and we had a BBQ with our friends and family.

I hope everyone had a good time,

Mike BBQ'd, he is getting really good at it!.

Riley did yard work :) I've always wanted a man around the house :) LOL,









Heather and her family came over, Riley was so excited to see his friends, he was so sad earlier when my father in law, Jason and Tiff got there, and there was no one for him to play with.


They had a watergun fight,



they played with glowsticks, and kid fireworks.....

played outside and ate yummy watermelon



We watched the fireworks from our driveway, we could see them from schnepf farms :) we had a pretty good view,

We played Catch Phrase, which is the game heather and spencer taught us at her party. Its such a fun game and it gets everyone involved.
Here is Mady in her cute little 4th of july outfit :) Heather made the bow :)






Here is a goofy face from Riley... he did good today, he was up all day, was in the sun, no nap and I am proud of him for holding it together (most the time)..

*ZING-ZaNG-zOoM*

I went to my very first circus on Wed. It was different then I expected, but it was a great time!
we were in the lower level, but at the top of the lower level, so next time I want to get closer seats!

They had several elephants.. they were so cute! and so talented! I love this one, she had a little tattoo on her butt! :) she inspired me to get one.

These people were nuts! I dont know how they did an entire act upside down! the whole time, and they even lifted their legs (one at a time)

It got really quiet when this guy was walking across the tight rope, right before I snapped the picture Riley yelled really loud "What is he doing mommy"!! (in an attitude voice) everyone turned at looked at him it was funny.

The cotton candy was $10 a bag!! but it did come with a cheesy hat :) but still $10! and the slushy's were $9 and they were GROSS!, but I guess it should be expected since the opening night tickets were half off.

They did that trick where they shoot the girl out of the cannon.. sometimes its good to have a camera with a delay :) if you know how to time it.

The tiger's werent that great, they were hard to see.. but I got a good shot of this guy looking a bit like "lunch"

It was a good family time :) I'm glad we went, we are doing allot of new things this year! I love it!

Domestic Goddess... in training

I made homemade ice cream today! :) I have always wanted to. Heather made some and brought some for dessert a few months ago, It was awesome!! Since then I have wanted to get an ice cream maker. I wanted to make it last week, I bought all the stuff.. took it out of the box, and read STEP #1... Freeze the indside container for 12-16 hours!

Crap... so I tried again today, after freezing it for 2 days..
It was so easy! but that little thing is loud,
I made cherry vanilla ice cream, and put in mini-chocolate chips and fresh cherries.

My husband made my day :)

I was having a tough day yesterday, I had a horrible migraine but went to work anyways.. It was so bad tht I had to wear sunglasses while working because the light from PD was to bright. Mike went to Walmart and got me 3 surprises!!
And if you know my husband.. and know his idea of a gift.. Of course I was skeptical.. he said he got something for us to share,, and its on his night stand.. so I am thinking.. what? a new remote for the TV? or a box of tissues, or.. I dunno what else goes on a nightstand.. Turns out he got me something I LOVE!! A sound machine, it has the perfect soft cricket sounds that makes it easier for me to sleep, and rain.,. real sounding rain. :) He did great!!

He also got me this picture frame!!! I LOVE IT!! Its so cute, and he also got me a box of my favorite little debbie snack cakes that I try so hard not to buy at the store because they are horrible for you!,. but.. since I didnt buy them.. I might as well enjoy them!
I am very proud of him! he did it right this time!! Maybe he is learning.. maybe.. hopefully!!

Going Dot Com Birthday Bash

Check out this great site for Amazing tips!! :) They have such cute idea's for fathers day!!

Mental health Day..

I had to take a Mental health day from work today.. @ least it came out of my sick time, and for the first time in a long time I didnt feel guilty at all about calling out.
It was 10 years Yesterday that my mom passed away of Ovarian and Cervical Cancer.. I cant believe its been 10 years.. and all the things that have happened in my life in 10 yaers.. and all the things I missed having her here for.

I got up earlier then normal (for me anyways) played with Riley, Tried out my new American Idol Wii game... which is pretty fun actually. got ready and headed to walmart. Spent way to much time there, but some days you just feel like walking around looking at things you cant afford :) then went to a movie with Emily. We saw
The ghosts of girlfriends past.. It was so cute :) and its nice to look at Matthew mcconaughey for 2 hours.. Then I stopped at Krispy Kreme for a nice family treat to end the day off well.

which.. brings me to my next odd thought of the week..
Ok, So Riley keeps getting my moms bible out of my drawer and I find it around the house, (which bugs me I need to hide it from him, since its important and I dont want him to ruin it) My mother was a spiritual person, but not religous until the end of her life. She taped a post it note to the front of the Bible and written on it the 7 Sins.. 1. Laziness 2. Glutony 3. Greed 4. Lust 5. Envy 6. Anger 7. Pride = #1
So, everytime I pick it up to put it back i see these and think about,, How many of the 7 deadly sins have I commited today.

Today.. I was to lazy to do the dishes #1, Ate 3 krispy keme donuts #2, Called out sick of work #3, Watched Matthew Mcconaughey #4, Wished I could have a baby like my sister in law #5, got upset with the handicap out of state driver in front of me doing 8 miles under the speed limit on a 4 miles stretch where you cant pass #6, and.. for a change.. I wasnt prideful today.. I didnt take pride in much,, but honestly whats wrong with pride.. Pride.. being the best you can be at something.
Like when I take pride in being a great dispatcher = me saving lives, taking pride in being a kind person = making the world a little happier place, taking pride in being a good mom = raising an awesome, kind, responsible, smart, independent, kid ( who will someday grow up to be a great man who will do something amazing with his life)..
So today, I have commited at least 6 deadly sins.. I dont think there is enough holy water in the world to fix that.
Maybe.. I'll ask god to sit down and come up with new ones. That relate more to the world today :) like.. sin #1 pretending to be someone else online (this includes facebook, myspace, chat rooms, and even lying about your body type on your profile) sin #2 Tivo'ing more then 8 hours of non educational, or informational television (only so many guilty little pleasures of watching fluff reality tv shall be allowed) sin #3 MURDER, shouldnt that be like.. #1 on the list.. on the SHALL NEVER DO list?? We can also add in this section, rape, torture, abuse mental, phsycal, animal, child, elder.. that kind of stuff..
sin #4 Stealing, shouldnt this be a sin too. taking something thats not yours, and you didnt earn or pay for.. Sin #5 Not saying "bless you" or "gaszoomtite" after someone sneezes, thats just rude especially if you know the person. sometimes when I am in a movie and someone sneezes.. I even say it in my head, hoping the mental kindness will reach the person that sneezed :) Sin #6 intentially being rude to people for no reason, waiters, waitress's, cab drivers, neighbors, cashiers.. it drives me nuts when people are mean to other people, or snotty for no reason. Its not their fault your having a bad day. Sin #7 DRUGS, that should be a sin too.. of course I dont want all people to stop doing them, because then I wouldnt have a job.. but it should still be on the sin list, or.. doing drugs while pregnant, or caring for children or other people. :)
well, I've had a long day of Sinning, so I suppose I'll finish it off with.. "laziness" watching reality TV, since its how I started the day,

My kind of Pets!

Riley is learning so much everyday, and we are having full conversations, and sometimes he even wins the arguements.
The other day. he brought out a bucket.. I heard the water running, and of coure I yelled. "NO BATH RILEY".. he walks out and says "These are my pets mommy"
He put his rubber duckies in a bucket of water, Kids are nuts! and they are very creative. He is learning to entertain himself, not having a little brother or sister to play with. :) These are pets I can live with! I even tripped over them later that day. a little water splashed out.. and it was no biggy.. I will dry :)